Avid Readers, I may have seemed a tad casual as I prepared to tuck away the receipt, however, with the faint echo of the TG’s voice ringing gently in my ear I decided to check to make sure I’d been awarded the 55p rebate due for the gingernut ‘bulk buy’. Yes. No problems, thank goodness. I glanced casually at the total, preparatory to putting it in my wallet and fastening the padlock. £60.45p!!!?! What!!?!
I studied the receipt more carefully now.

The top item was Taliskar Classic Malt Whisky!? This was madness. I wouldn’t even consider buying such an expensive malt – the TG always inspects my till receipts. I’ll never forget the time I bought a blow-up plastic sheep. [I thought it was a beachball! OK!!?!]

I called over the young shop assistant, apologised for interrupting his exploration of the rash on his left leg, and explained the situation.

“Well, where is it then?” he said.

“I didn’t buy a bottle of Taliskar. I want a refund.”

“Yes you did. It’s on the receipt.”

“No I didn’t.”

“I’d better look in your bags.”

“Be my guest.”

“It’s not in here.”

“That’s because I didn’t buy one.”

“Where have you hidden it?”

“I haven’t bought a bottle of Taliskar.”

“It’s on the receipt.”

“There’s been a mistake.”

“That’s impossible.”

“Search me if you want.”

“I can’t do that. I’ll have to call security.”

“Call security then.”

Without taking his eyes off me, he pulled out his walkie-talkie and whispered into it. I think I heard the word “nutter”, “old”, and “demented”. I’m not sure.

The security man arrived, talked to the young man and then came and spoke to me.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to come with me Sir. I’ll need to do a thorough search.” His eyes lit up. Not with hope I noticed, but dread. I was marched off to his office clutching my carrier bags…

To be continued.