“Well Mr Daddy Papersurfer, what have you got to say in your defence?”

I rose unsteadily to my feet.

“Your honour, members of the jury, my loyal fans in the gallery, I realise that the photographic evidence found on my iPhone by the police appears to be damning. Let me explain.

A mosquito had bitten me on the ankle and the result was very itchy. I thought I had it under control with the copious use of Germolene. It was hot and I decided, when I went shopping, to wear my sandals. I arrived at Morrisons in fine fettle but realised very quickly that the sandal strap was aggravating the bite and by the time I’d got to the gin alley … I mean aisle … that the itching needed attending to. I foolishly lifted my leg to have a good scratch and took a tumble. I was fine but thought while I was down on the floor recovering, to phone Lo she is a terrible goddess to check on how many courgettes she actually needed. We had had quite a long discussion on numbers but, quite honestly, I wasn’t really listening. At this moment a rather charming and short skirted young woman approached to see if I was ok. Being in a confused state I fumbled with the phone, the flash went off, and a picture was taken. The young woman screamed and ran off yelling “Upskirting man in aisle 5!!!!”, security arrived and the rest is history … “ I paused to let the truth sink in “ … and that concludes my defence.”

The judge turned to the jury.

“I cannot give you direction”. He turned and glared at me. “You must make your own minds up.” He took out his hanky which happened to be black and mopped his bald spot. “Recuse yourselves now. I expect the verdict won’t take long.”

Thank heavens the judiciary in this country is so even handed.

I’m awaiting the result safe in the knowledge I’ll be home for tea.