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“Well Mr Daddy Papersurfer, what have you got to say in your defence?â€
I rose unsteadily to my feet.
“Your honour, members of the jury, my loyal fans in the gallery, I realise that the photographic evidence found on my iPhone by the police appears to be damning. Let me explain.
A mosquito had bitten me on the ankle and the result was very itchy. I thought I had it under control with the copious use of Germolene. It was hot and I decided, when I went shopping, to wear my sandals. I arrived at Morrisons in fine fettle but realised very quickly that the sandal strap was aggravating the bite and by the time I’d got to the gin alley … I mean aisle … that the itching needed attending to. I foolishly lifted my leg to have a good scratch and took a tumble. I was fine but thought while I was down on the floor recovering, to phone Lo she is a terrible goddess to check on how many courgettes she actually needed. We had had quite a long discussion on numbers but, quite honestly, I wasn’t really listening. At this moment a rather charming and short skirted young woman approached to see if I was ok. Being in a confused state I fumbled with the phone, the flash went off, and a picture was taken. The young woman screamed and ran off yelling “Upskirting man in aisle 5!!!!â€, security arrived and the rest is history … “ I paused to let the truth sink in “ … and that concludes my defence.â€
The judge turned to the jury.
“I cannot give you directionâ€. He turned and glared at me. “You must make your own minds up.†He took out his hanky which happened to be black and mopped his bald spot. “Recuse yourselves now. I expect the verdict won’t take long.â€
Thank heavens the judiciary in this country is so even handed.
I’m awaiting the result safe in the knowledge I’ll be home for tea.
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