I have been researching various historical subjects. Some of the documentation is open to public scrutiny but I have recently discovered a lot under the floorboards of the Cliff Top Residence.

There is a position in the Royal Family’s household called ‘The Royal Serf of the Swab’. This position is open to any nationality and has been in existence for generations.

It was discovered a long time ago that earwax from Royal personages was the perfect material to clean and polish the Crown Jewels, and it has been the job of the Royal Serf of the Swab to gather this precious commodity for many years.

The efficacy of this magic unguent was alluded to by the Bard himself. The original, well quoted, ‘To be or not to be, that is the question’ actually read in the original ‘ To beeswax or not to beeswax, there is no question. The nobler the wax, the buffer the bling.”

It’s a little known fact that Van Gogh held this position for several years, but on the discovery that he had been stealing the precious substance to add to the pigments used for his series of paintings of sunflowers, the traditional punishment of having his ear cut-off was meted out to him. Any other explanation that you might have heard is complete rubbish.

The present holder of the position, Hubert Cuthbertson of Catford, has collected so much earwax from the Prince of Wales that storage at Buck House has become a problem. A special vault has been dug at the bottom of the garden.

When I feel that you, Avid Reader, have digested this information, I shall move onto Lesson 2: ‘The Very Holy Relic of St. Fudges-in-the-marsh’. A truly fascinating glimpse into modern history.