Opening scene

[DP on the sofa. Enter Lo, she is a terrible Goddess, stage right.]

TG – Don’t forget that the Queen has offered you a Knighthood DP.

DP – The hood of a Knight? Excellent – it’s getting a tad chilly, tee hee. No, I haven’t forgotten.

[The TG exits, stage left.  DP continues sucking on a gingernut.]

TG [calling, off stage] – And don’t forget your teeth.

[Curtain down]

Scene Two

The Palace. DP is kneeling on a low stool before the Queen.

DP – [trying to make conversation] Have you done something new with your hair Ma’am? It looks very nice.

The Queen – Well yes I have actually, DP – do you like it?

DP – Crikey yes, Ma’am. You’ve hardly changed since ….. hang on …. [rummages in sporran and pulls out a load of coins, looks through them quickly and then holds up a silver sixpence] …… 1967. Look!

The Queen leans forward and has a look.

The Queen – [blushing slightly and batting her eyelids] Don’t be silly DP, that was years ago.  [stands up straighter and flicks her hair]

DP – I don’t suppose you’d autograph a stamp for me would you Ma’am?

The Queen – Of course I would DP. [she reaches up and unclips a tiny jewelled Biro cleverly concealed in her crown, and scribbles a message on a stamp that DP produces from his spare sporran]

DP – Thank you Ma’am. Anyhoo, I’d better be tootling. The TG is expecting me home for tea soon – Marmite on toast tonight!

The Queen [looking a tad disappointed, starts cleaning her fingernails with her sword] – If you must DP ………. ‘bye.

[DP shuffles off stage, on his knees, backwards. The Queen stares wistfully after him. Curtain down.]

Scene Three

[DP back home on his sofa, staring at the stamp – enter the TG, stage left.]

TG – How did it go?

DP – How did what go?

TG  – [slightly tartly]  The investiture.

DP – Oh… We didn’t bother. [holds up stamp] I got her autograph though!!

TG – [Regards DP thoughtfully for a moment, then  shakes her head slightly and lifts one eyebrow] – Marmite on toast then?


Curtain down

Cue rapturous applause

Match of the Day

My Match