Opening scene
[DP on the sofa. Enter Lo, she is a terrible Goddess, stage right.]
TG – Don’t forget that the Queen has offered you a Knighthood DP.
DP – The hood of a Knight? Excellent – it’s getting a tad chilly, tee hee. No, I haven’t forgotten.
[The TG exits, stage left. DP continues sucking on a gingernut.]
TG [calling, off stage] – And don’t forget your teeth.
[Curtain down]
Scene Two
The Palace. DP is kneeling on a low stool before the Queen.
DP – [trying to make conversation] Have you done something new with your hair Ma’am? It looks very nice.
The Queen – Well yes I have actually, DP – do you like it?
DP – Crikey yes, Ma’am. You’ve hardly changed since ….. hang on …. [rummages in sporran and pulls out a load of coins, looks through them quickly and then holds up a silver sixpence] …… 1967. Look!
The Queen leans forward and has a look.
The Queen – [blushing slightly and batting her eyelids] Don’t be silly DP, that was years ago. [stands up straighter and flicks her hair]
DP – I don’t suppose you’d autograph a stamp for me would you Ma’am?
The Queen – Of course I would DP. [she reaches up and unclips a tiny jewelled Biro cleverly concealed in her crown, and scribbles a message on a stamp that DP produces from his spare sporran]
DP – Thank you Ma’am. Anyhoo, I’d better be tootling. The TG is expecting me home for tea soon – Marmite on toast tonight!
The Queen [looking a tad disappointed, starts cleaning her fingernails with her sword] – If you must DP ………. ‘bye.
[DP shuffles off stage, on his knees, backwards. The Queen stares wistfully after him. Curtain down.]
Scene Three
[DP back home on his sofa, staring at the stamp – enter the TG, stage left.]
TG – How did it go?
DP – How did what go?
TGÂ – [slightly tartly]Â The investiture.
DP – Oh… We didn’t bother. [holds up stamp] I got her autograph though!!
TG – [Regards DP thoughtfully for a moment, then shakes her head slightly and lifts one eyebrow] – Marmite on toast then?
.
Curtain down
Cue rapturous applause
.
Match of the Day
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