Chapter 1

“I’m going to cut the hedges!” I announced as I leapt out of bed.
Lo, she is a terrible Goddess feigned indifference and continued dusting her photograph of David Essex.

I showered immediately with only a twinge of regret that I’d forgotten to take off my pyjamas – they needed washing anyway. I dressed and then broke my fast [and a mug but I managed to hide it behind the toaster before the TG noticed as she was still elegantly drooling with the aid of a lace handkerchief].

I wandered into the garden at a nimble amble and said good morning to Stumpy …


…… a slow worm easily recognisable as he lost the tip of his tail last year.

I found the hedge-trimmer and a pair of ladders and started topiarying like Michaelangelo on Prozac.


I stopped briefly when I noticed that Aloe Vera’s plums were almost ready for picking on the other side of the hedge and made a mental note to scrump them later in the day while she was having her afternoon snooze.

I completed the work by lunchtime and cleared up to the satisfaction of the TG who seemed to be in a very benign mood: she was actually humming “Hold Me Close” and asked me if I’d ever considered having my ears pierced. I pretended I hadn’t heard her as I didn’t know what she meant exactly and wondered if she was about to scream.

I settled down to read my “101 Tips on Grouting” manual, a marvellous tome for the semi-experienced grouter and discovered that my reading glasses, which I habitually hook into the top of my t-shirt when not in use, were MISSING ………..

[To be concluded tomorrow]

(Send me some oxygen someone – I’m about to faint with suspense. LO,TG Ed)


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