I’m practising my new act so that I’m fully prepared for this new show that’s planned for next year.

The judges will be Simon Cowell, Sir Alan Sugar and Uma Thurman.

This photograph will give you a glimpse of what will be truly awesome. (Collapsed in helpless heap, laughing. Now if he’d said frightening……. Lo,TG Ed) Wearing only my Speedos, I will fight my way out of the paper bag, remove the ball and chain and then try and sell some insurance to the judges. If I manage to sell a policy to two of the judges I will have succeeded, and gain an automatic place to the final. Uma won’t be a problem ……. obviously ………. and I’ve started sending bribes to the other two already, so my hopes are high.

Please don’t try this at home – this is a genuine photograph that hasn’t been altered in any way, shape or form – the danger is real! (Ain’t that the truth! Lo,TG Ed)

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