THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO DP

…..and a voice said unto me

“GO FORTH INTO YOUR WILDERNESS AND SLASH AND BURN [using a really nifty chainsaw from B&Q – only £29.99 and several boxes of matches because I was never a boy scout] AND CLEAR THE GROUND FOR WHAT IS YOURS BY RIGHT [ right from the house – of course – with my back to the sea it’s on the left].

UPON THIS HOLEY GROUND [actually I’m going to fill the holes in and then concrete over it] THOU MUST ERECT A SHED [yippee!].

AND IN THIS SHED MUST BE AN ARMCHAIR AND A WINDOW THAT LOOKETH OUT TO SEA AND THERE MUST ALSO BE A MIRROR OF THE FINEST QUALITY POSITIONED THUSLY TO WARN OF IMPENDING DISASTER [that’ll be the terrible Goddess]. UPON SIGHT OF DANGER YOU MUST ARISE AND PICK FORTH A HAMMER, A NAIL AND A PIECE OF WOOD AND LOOK BUSY. WHENETH THE DANGER HAS PASSÉD THE ARMCHAIR MUST BE FILLED WITH YOUR POSTERIOR UNTIL THE WORLD ENDETH [or dinner, whichever is sooner].

SO I SPAKE AND IT SHALL BE SO ….. GO FORTH AND SHEDDIFY!!!

(Yea verily, I say unto you if the armchair is filled too often by thy posterior then indeed shall thy world crash about thine ears, oh Peabrain. I think not that there is need for a further lesson. Lo,TG Ed)

8 Comments