Yes football, so named because it’s beautiful when those silly men have finished running around.
A load of balls.

Some basic facts:

Loads of blokes run around chasing a ball, called a football, saying things like “Man on!!!” and “On the ‘ead!”. It’s paramount that they shout.

The player who feels the cold the most is allowed to be goalie and wear gloves. Very fat men are not allowed to be in goal, as all they have to do then is lie down in front of it like a beached whale, when it is scientifically impossible to kick the ball past them and into the net.

The net – is a net suspended on bits of wood.

There are three sides in every football match – two with loads of people and then there’s a third one with a player on the pitch wearing black and blowing a whistle. Two other members of his team run up and down the side sending messages with flags. The man in black decides which team he wants to win and helps out the best he can.

The team who kicks the ball into the other team’s net the most times, wins.

The Off-Side Rule:

This causes confusion so I’ll explain it very carefully.

Players are only allowed in certain areas and if the ball is kicked when the other team aren’t ready the men at the side [team 3 if you recall] send messages using their flags to their wives, telling them to put the kettle on. The man in black, who is the only one who can understand these messages apart from the wives, blows his whistle and halts the game so that the tea can be prepared. The other two teams shrug a lot and go into denial as they have no idea what is going on. At this point a couple of the players twig that there are cups of tea and sticky buns available and they send themselves off – hence the reason why it’s called the off-side rule.

This is usually the sign that everyone gives up and goes home – after a quick cuddle in a communal bath.

Americans also play football but with different shaped balls. (OK. I want to to be the one to say it. “Americans have different shaped balls!?!?” Lo,TG Ed)

Please ask me if you have any other questions about the game ….. I’m quite an expert as you can see.