Yes football, so named because it’s beautiful when those silly men have finished running around.
A load of balls.
Some basic facts:
Loads of blokes run around chasing a ball, called a football, saying things like “Man on!!!” and “On the ‘ead!”. It’s paramount that they shout.
The player who feels the cold the most is allowed to be goalie and wear gloves. Very fat men are not allowed to be in goal, as all they have to do then is lie down in front of it like a beached whale, when it is scientifically impossible to kick the ball past them and into the net.
The net – is a net suspended on bits of wood.
There are three sides in every football match – two with loads of people and then there’s a third one with a player on the pitch wearing black and blowing a whistle. Two other members of his team run up and down the side sending messages with flags. The man in black decides which team he wants to win and helps out the best he can.
The team who kicks the ball into the other team’s net the most times, wins.
The Off-Side Rule:
This causes confusion so I’ll explain it very carefully.
Players are only allowed in certain areas and if the ball is kicked when the other team aren’t ready the men at the side [team 3 if you recall] send messages using their flags to their wives, telling them to put the kettle on. The man in black, who is the only one who can understand these messages apart from the wives, blows his whistle and halts the game so that the tea can be prepared. The other two teams shrug a lot and go into denial as they have no idea what is going on. At this point a couple of the players twig that there are cups of tea and sticky buns available and they send themselves off – hence the reason why it’s called the off-side rule.
This is usually the sign that everyone gives up and goes home – after a quick cuddle in a communal bath.
Americans also play football but with different shaped balls. (OK. I want to to be the one to say it. “Americans have different shaped balls!?!?” Lo,TG Ed)
Please ask me if you have any other questions about the game ….. I’m quite an expert as you can see.
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Stumble It!
14 Comments
a very well done summary of the great British game…. the off side rule has always baffled me and apparently I am not supposed to understand it as I am ‘girlie’…..will the mandatory oral/nasal removal of bodily fluids (gag) & fan families in matching tops be covered later ???
[is there anybody there????]
@70s: Does ‘off-side’ mean being an Everton supporter where you grew up?
hee hee you are absolutely right
Frankly I’ve never been all that interested in sports of any kind. There seems to be so many other important ways to fill a person’s time.
Take knitting for example.
It takes balls you know…
Dear Frac ..balls of all different shapes and sizes!! Oh and colours
I think you may have to do your secretarial bit today as he has a dodgy connection ……{{nothing new there I know but…..}}
lol… but if he has a dodgy connection, how will he see me bending over to pick up all the papers he drops? After all, that is all he pays me (very little… in fact, nothing…) to do?
Poor soul though, dodgy connections can just wreak havoc with a person’s patience. He must be driving TG bonkers.
Hmm. I realize the folly of what I just said.
he must be gnawing his arm off by now in frustration… and Tg will have locked him in a cupboard I suspect… ah well at least we can use his blog as a chat room …. lol
oh & I can do faces
A chat room? What a fine idea!
I found something pretty for you. It’s here. DP might mind.. if he were here, but he’s not. Tee hee.
Perhaps we should pay TG to keep him in the cupboard a while…
Hi Frac,
“I’ve never been all that interested in sports of any kind.”
err, are you sure???
http://www.saskrugby.com/leagues/albums_view.cfm?clientID=4324&leagueID=0&albumID=5371&show_photo_number=2
Is that not you top 3rd left????
‘Fraid not GW.
When people play sports, they sweat and invariably end up smelling bad.
I’m a law abiding citizen, and Canada’s criminal code states that anyone, “offending a public place with a bad smell” is liable to two years in jail.
I wanted to call our daughter Manon but HE would not let me…Man on…always hated football!
Manon sounds like a perfectly acceptable name to me (and an “Irresistible” ballet according to The Sunday Telegraph), how mean of Kev in…….
I see you are truly an expert! I played tat game for 10 years or so and you have done an admirable job in explaining it. And yes, we Americans have different shaped balls- quite oblong and they bounce very unpredictably… hee hee.
Whilst surfin the net (dude), I came across this:
http://www.edwardmonktongreetings.co.uk/characters/landing/view/rabbit/mktg/pid_38593463-cid_32415683-aid_216150052
don’t know why that reminded me of you……..
As you probably know, my main sporting interest involves…… Oops! sorry, I can’t tell you that one before the watershed.
My second sporting interest involves lunatics riding up mountains on machines of such insignificant weight that they have to be anchored to the road when the rider dismounts, to stop them floating away!
But ‘the beautiful game’, well, i’m a little disappointed in the performance of Becky, Rooney and all the others whose name ends in ‘y’.
In days gone by, one could rely on the overpaid muppets to play like a Sunday league eleven after a Saturday night’s consumption of super-strength lager.
It was always worth having a small wager on the opposition winning, I took lots of cash from my bookmaker that way and always eagerly awaited the next England match. Tim Henman was always a great one to back against too.
Now I have to rely on our cricketers to fill the coffers……..
We call that game soccer. Football here is a totally different game.
you were right with the second comment – it is a load of balls!!!!!! no questions here!
I love balls.
#7 is right, its soccer. SOCCER!
american football rules
I think #7 is right too, American football is a ‘game’, and while I tend not to argue with animals that chase balls of any shape, here in the UK, games are OK for boys and girls, but we refer to real SPORTS participants as sportsMEN or sportsWOMEN. If you can get your human to turn on that box in the corner, you might be able to see something called Australian Rules Football……………..DOWN BOY!!!!
Big fan of balls myself – all shapes and sizes. Especially tennis balls – so furry and such a jolly colour…
PS Love the Edward Monkton link – I always buy his greetings cards they are so funny.
And “Home Runs” count for what?
Hello LOBO!!!! – if I had any idea what you were talking about I could reply sensibly …… as it is I can’t …. de dum de dum de dum de dum …..
Wot a load of old boll – umm – ards!
I’m soooooo pleased to see you all managing to have fun in my absence ….. I would have hated people to worry or anything like that ……. anyway I’m fine, slightly damp of course, but OK …..
[Honestly, the odd word of concern and then forgotten! I suppose, if it had been permanent, somebody might have noticed that it wasn't quite so smelly round here - tee hee]