The local fete committee worried about next year’s village fair Maypole Dance has put out a call for virgins.


The scene this year was, quite frankly, a total debacle so far as innocent virgins were concerned.

Unfortunately, in this village [average age 103+] there is a shortage of little girls and boys available to dance around the pole, weaving their intricate designs with the ribbons hanging from the apex.

Graven on my mind are the images of Mr Futtlebottom prancing around wearing a pink tutu giving the odd flash of his Speedos and Miss Golightly in a mini-skirt – which led to many a comment about the need to iron her knickers although she wasn’t wearing any. Rebecca, locally known as Chewbacca,  from 37 Crumpet Way, decided to wear a swimming costume. She’d obviously made quite an effort in the ‘bikini’ area, but had gone down the route of plaiting rather than shaving or waxing. With the large Smiley face emblazoned on the front of her costume the whole effect was of a girl with pigtails suffering from a liver complaint.  The final straw came when Sharon Tandem joined in. As Aloe Vera said, “There’s no way she could be mistaken for a virgin unless she’s had a zip fitted.”

I’ll keep you informed of progress.