Cargo pants

I’m just popping out, I’m not going far,
I wonder where my car keys are?
Beside the bed?
Inside the shed?
I’m finding all this very bizarre.

This is going to drive me quite mad,
Today is beginning to go real bad –
Now I’ve looked by the sink
And I’m starting to think
I’ll have to resort to trying an ad.

Oh no, I’ve just had a thought
Of what I was wearing– I’m distraught!
The trews I last wore
Have pockets galore
Oh how I wish they’d never been bought.

OK, I’ve checked the left leg,
Found a mouldy half eaten scotch egg.
I’m onto the right,
Not a key-ring in sight –
A penny, a sweet and a yellow clothes peg.

Only a couple more places to try,
Left buttock, right knee and the fly.
Now just the hips,
Eww, soggy chips!
No luck I fear – I’ve a tear in my eye.

I’ll just go and check out the floor of the car,
Crisp packets, some gum, and a Cuban cigar.
HEY! From this position,
I can see the ignition,
With keys in – they glint like a bright shiny star!

Well that’s it; I’m obviously losing my mind,
Time to submit to being confined,
The white coats will come,
I’ll just suck my thumb,
I’ll just have to hope that the nurses are kind.