Tue
24
Nov
2015

TALKING TO SIRI

A recent conversation with Siri when I was trying to find out where the phrase ‘nooks and crannies’* came from.

“Do you mean rooks and grannies?”

“No – try again”

“Do you mean books and nanny?”

“No – try again”

“Do you mean norks and fannies?”

“No!!! – well – erm – no, better not. Thank you anyway. I’ll try Google.”

“Oh”

*small voice* “Cooks and trannies?”

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*Scottish BTW and been around for ages. I also found a hearty muffin. Perhaps Siri wasn’t that far off after all.

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Sat
21
Nov
2015

STARS IN MY EYES

I always find a clear night very comforting.

1856_Burritt_-_Huntington_Map_of_the_Constellations_or_Stars_in_October,_November_and_December_-_Geographicus_-_DecNovOct-burritt-1856

All the stars are in just the right places.

The outer edge of the Big Dipper shows where the North star is.

Orion’s belt indicates exactly the position of the Seven Sisters  and the moon is sickled or gibbous or new or full exactly when it should be.

Lovely – I am assured.

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Fri
20
Nov
2015

COLLECTIVE NOUNS

I’ve been trying to come up with a collective noun for all those annoying people in the media* who like to be known as ‘journalists’.

I have had some success after failing with ‘smug’, an ‘opinion’ and a ‘oh dear my head is stuffed up my own arse’ of journalists.

end_of_world

The end result? – A carrion (or carryon) of journalists.

They’re either picking over the bones of some human disaster or reporting on a skate-boarding duck with one leg and a talent for baking cupcakes, hence the alternative spellings.

*this includes television, papers, radio and all forms of social media

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Tue
17
Nov
2015

JUST A THOUGHT

Tcup arm (1)

Would the world feel happier with teacup carrying armadillos as the dominant species?

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Wed
11
Nov
2015

THE DADDY PAPERSURFER MEMORIAL GALLERY

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This property is for rent in the Old Town Hastings. The cost? £28000 per annum plus rates and ‘stuff’.

I propose that some rich git gifts it to me so I can open a permanent space to show my genius.

I guarantee that my work will increase in value as soon as I’ve died.

It can’t be long *sniffle and slight cough*.

This is a real investment opportunity.

Mon
9
Nov
2015

KEEPING TRACK

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The track at the bottom of the garden at the Cliff Top Residence is a never ending source of entertainment (see previous post – adult content).

Anyhoo, yesterday the local dustcart, manned by non-locals apparently, drove down the track (the usual truck never goes down the track) and got stuck in the mud. Very stuck. The driver phoned the council depot who sent out a recovery vehicle. This got stuck in the mud. More phone calls were made and then a huge kick-arse 4×4x4×4 with searchlights, tyres the size of Wales and an engine that created it’s own energy crisis arrived and pulled all the idiots out of trouble. There’s mud everywhere now, huge balls of mud. Our strolling activities have been severely curtailed. The people who live at the end of the track can’t drive to their own home. It’s like the Somme.

I’m hoping that the local council take full responsibility and everything is put back to ‘useable’.

*sigh* for the idiots and *hurrah* for the entertainment value.

Thu
5
Nov
2015

FAIRIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN…

… an overheard conversation.

This is an actual account of something that happened yesterday.

I wandered down the garden and became aware that a couple of women were having a chat on the public footpath that we back on to.

I started back for the house and suddenly tuned into their conversation which stopped me in my tracks.

“I was very worried when my menopause started. I felt there was a lump, you know, up there.”

“Oh.”

“I was offered HRT but decided to try doing some pelvic floor exercises.”

“Oh, how does that work?”

“Oh, you just flex those muscles that you use when you pee.”

“Oh.”

“Well they seem to be doing the trick. I feel fantastic now.”

“Oh good.”

“Yer, I feel great. (pause) You know Steve can’t maintain an erection for more than about 30 seconds …?”

“Oh.”

“… well he can’t but he’s very good. He’ll go down on me quite happily. The tonguing technique he uses playing the saxophone comes in VERY useful!”

“Oh! Oh yes, stimulation of the clitoris is very important.”

“I’ve got quite a collection of dildos now as well. It’s fun.”

“Oh.”

“Look, I think it’s going to rain. Come on Mum, we’d better get a move on.”

I didn’t mean to hear all this but I thought if I moved they’d be aware I’d heard their conversation and I didn’t want to embarrass them.

I think I need a little lie-down now.

(This post has no illustration because I’m well aware that the government is following my every move)

Tue
3
Nov
2015

REMEMBER, REMEMBER …..

damp-squid-copy

For the first time in over a decade we’re in England for the beginning of November.

My birthday follows Guy Fawkes Day, a national celebration of individualism celebrated by many.

Although I’m missing the Indian summer of Portugal and the grand people over there I’m quite looking forward to experiencing the traditional celebrations.

The plan is to buy some fish and chips and a terribly exciting box of fireworks (and some sparklers obviously) and enjoy a pleasant evening with ‘She who must be dismayed’ and number 1 son.

(I am very mindful of the time(s) my father dropped a match/es into a/several whole box/es of fireworks during my childhood and shall try and remember to wear old clothes)

((This is plan 38a. Plan 38 was to watch some fireworks in Eastbourne but, apparently, germs have scuppered that. I am nothing if not adaptable.))

Sun
1
Nov
2015

BLINKERS

Brain-Blinkers-Logo

People distress me who are pressed and compressed

No matter what their age

So pray don’t depress me, please be progressed

So says this silly old sage.

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Wed
28
Oct
2015

FAIRLIGHT’S COLUMN!

Please find clear and simple directions below

on how to find Fairlight’s Column!

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Fairlight nestles to the East of Hastings right on the coast. It can be found.

There is just one road into Fairlight which also has to be used to escape. Basically it’s one large cul-de-sac which goes part way to explaining why the residents are often seen going round in circles.

Enter the village via this road by car, bus, tricycle etc or by foot. Zimmer frames are welcome, indeed they are encouraged.

Proceed South towards the sea. Eventually you will arrive at a roundabout, locally known as the Circle. Go straight over this landmark (not literally, unless on foot. There have been incidents of cars driving straight across leaving tyre marks on the grass. The furore this caused resulted in several locals raising their eyebrows and the “tut” that emanated from someone that actually lives on the Circle will haunt me for decades).

Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yes … continue southwards until you can go no further without falling down the cliff. Park whatever vehicle you’ve used in a sensible and considerate fashion, tie horses to lamp posts, roller skates should be removed and carried etc, and proceed on foot following the unmade track to the LEFT. This forms part of the Saxon Shore Way which is now known as the Saxon Shore No-way as the sea reclaimed a part of it a few years ago. I blame the French.

Eventually you will find Fairlight’s Column! along with the Fairlight Eye.

Please feel free to photograph this edifying edifice and spread the word with the use of social media and by talking to members of your support groups during therapy sessions.

(Exciting news about the proposed smallest sculpture gallery in the world, Fairlight Modern, will appear here very soon)