Wed
28
Oct
2015

FAIRLIGHT’S COLUMN!

Please find clear and simple directions below

on how to find Fairlight’s Column!

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Fairlight nestles to the East of Hastings right on the coast. It can be found.

There is just one road into Fairlight which also has to be used to escape. Basically it’s one large cul-de-sac which goes part way to explaining why the residents are often seen going round in circles.

Enter the village via this road by car, bus, tricycle etc or by foot. Zimmer frames are welcome, indeed they are encouraged.

Proceed South towards the sea. Eventually you will arrive at a roundabout, locally known as the Circle. Go straight over this landmark (not literally, unless on foot. There have been incidents of cars driving straight across leaving tyre marks on the grass. The furore this caused resulted in several locals raising their eyebrows and the “tut” that emanated from someone that actually lives on the Circle will haunt me for decades).

Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yes … continue southwards until you can go no further without falling down the cliff. Park whatever vehicle you’ve used in a sensible and considerate fashion, tie horses to lamp posts, roller skates should be removed and carried etc, and proceed on foot following the unmade track to the LEFT. This forms part of the Saxon Shore Way which is now known as the Saxon Shore No-way as the sea reclaimed a part of it a few years ago. I blame the French.

Eventually you will find Fairlight’s Column! along with the Fairlight Eye.

Please feel free to photograph this edifying edifice and spread the word with the use of social media and by talking to members of your support groups during therapy sessions.

(Exciting news about the proposed smallest sculpture gallery in the world, Fairlight Modern, will appear here very soon)

Tue
27
Oct
2015

TOMORROW ….

…. might be the day.

With good luck and a following wind Fairlight’s Column will be erected tomorrow.

Keep an eye on social media for updates.

Thu
22
Oct
2015

THE EVOLUTION OF THE SELFIE

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Parmigianino 1524


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Rembrandt 1630

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Escher 1935

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Kardashian 2014

It would appear to my untrained eye that evolution has recently stabbed itself reverse and is careering backwards at a rate of knots.

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Tue
20
Oct
2015

WHY OH WHY …

… are these images on my desktop?

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Escutcheon R - WEB

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I wish I had a better memory. I’m sure I must have had a reason to save them.

Wed
7
Oct
2015

THE I.T. GENERATION

misinformation

Please, please, PLEASE learn to use the evidence of your own eyes, nose and ears (applied to the real world when shopping, walking, going to the pub etc) instead of taking any notice of what you may see or hear on the internet, in newspapers, on the radio or television.

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Information technology really should be called misinformation technology. In the old days we were misled by the printed word and then, with the advent of the radio, the spoken word. Television then arrived where new skills of deception had to be learnt (Jimmy Saville – say no more). And now we have the digital  age where words are so cheap that they’re almost worthless, visual images can no longer be trusted (even the moving ones – did you see the Pope doing that magic trick with the alter cloth?).

Take your time, use your eyes and then your ears and then your brain … and then keep your mouths shut …. for a little while anyway.

Sat
3
Oct
2015

WELL …

… it amuses me anyway.

The Egg and Sperm Race (click to view some adult content)

Mon
28
Sep
2015

LET’S SHAKE ON IT

By this time next week, with good luck and a following wind, we should be ensconced in a our pad in Portugal.

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I’m looking forward to seeing our neighbours Seena and Amorim.

Immediately next door to us is their barn and October is when Amorim fires up his still and makes a rather nice hooch. I was introduced to this last year at 10:30 am. The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. There could be a repeat of this. *note to self – eat a hearty breakfast just in case*

The Portuguese men love to shake hands at every opportunity which is fine and dandy except when, last year, I noted that Amorim had been liberally applying chicken shit to his allotment … by hand. I must admit I avoided him until the next day by which time I’m sure he’d been told to wash by Seena.

Portuguese women love to kiss. This isn’t a problem.

Sun
27
Sep
2015

WHAT A SIGHT!

I’m wondering if my back gate could be designated an Area of Outstanding Unnatural and Terrific Interest …

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…. or even a World Heretic Sight?

The comments as people fled from my Coastal Currents Open Studio this year would indicate that it could. Are grants available and who do you have to bribe?

Tue
22
Sep
2015

JACK AND JILL …

… a risk assessment.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill

(already I have an impending sense of disaster. How steep is the hill? Has it been checked for trip hazards? Are there any paedophiles in the area?)

To fetch a pail of water.

(Oh dear. Has the pail been sanitised? How heavy is it when empty and when full? Is the handle securely fastened? Is there a splinter issue?)

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Jack fell down and broke his crown,

(Well, don’t accuse me of not issuing enough warnings. I fear we’ll never know exactly why though.)

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And Jill came tumbling after.

(Well, that was unexpected! Now there are probably issues about knickers being flashed and the subsequent traumas both to Jill and Jack)

Up Jack got and home did trot,

(A classic example of man-flu which the more observant and well educated avid reader will be able to connect with the sort of behaviour displayed by professional footballers)

As fast as he could caper;

(Another serious H&S issue – never run with a broken crown. Please note your Majesty *drops a curtsy*)

And went to bed and bound his head

(At last Jack has done something sensible)

With vinegar and brown paper.

(I take that back. This treatment has never shown any beneficial results and can induce a hankering for fish and chips)

I think this post is self-explanatory but if you have any questions please submit them in triplicate.

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Mon
21
Sep
2015

APPLICATIONS NOW BEING CONSIDERED

DP's Art school

The required minimum requirements required -

All applicants must have thrown a total score of 1,000,000 at darts over a period of not less than 24 hours. This will have provided the experience to appreciate the importance of a pebble. This appreciation is vital.

Applicants must also provide evidence that they have completed a jigsaw puzzle (of at least a 500 piece puzzle) of their favourite painting. This is the very best way to study almost anything.

It would also be advisable to have done some exercise as, if you manage to get to the interview stage, you will be challenged to an arm wrestle. Physical strength is useful, although not essential, to be a satisfactory student of art.

Good luck. You’ll need it.