Sun
4
Sep
2016

THE BOTTOM OF MY GARDEN

The bottom of my garden

So today, I was sitting in the garden enjoying a G&T when I heard a voice emanating from the public footpath the other side of the hedge – “Is that art?”

I began to feel a tad depressed.

And then I remembered that yesterday, when I was actually on the public footpath looking for feathers, that I met a young family – Mum, Dad and two sons.

Mum – “We love your sculptures!”

Dad – “Do you specialise in metal work?”

Me – “I learnt welding and casting at college but nearly everything you see is made of wood. I’ve come up with a cunning plan to disguise wood as bronze and the letters on the sign are made from Flashband …”

Dad – “Oh yes … messy stuff.”

Me – “ … cut out with scissors.”

Dad … “Surely you have to …?”

Me – “Exactly! After every cut I have to clean the scissors with turps.”

Dad – “Blimey.”

Kids – “Brilliant.”

It’s very difficult to remember the nice, interesting things that people say. Something about the human condition makes us only remember the negative things that happen to us. I’ve noticed this many times, both with myself and folk that I know.

Humans are ridiculous.

Fri
1
Apr
2016

YER REAL PORTUGAL

There’s yer real peeps, left winged with a touch of right and a dose of liberalism, that can only exist in the ‘real’ of whatever country they’ve invaded temporarily.

Portuguese patio

This is a ‘real’ Portuguese patio.

We’re getting used to it.

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Sat
26
Mar
2016

IT NEVER RAINS IN PORTUGAL

Flying-pig

Fri
25
Mar
2016

GOOD FRIDAY

view from balcony

The view from the balcony.

Sun
21
Feb
2016

THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION.

I’m fed up with all the nonsense spouted about the origins of the universe so I’ve decided to get it all down here in writing to put an end to the endless waffling.

Ok, it’s all quite simples innit.

MIT-LIGO-2

Nobody seems to know what gravity is exactly (I do though *looks smug*) and yet them scientists nerds have been able to measure them gravitational waves. *Waves back* This discovery has firmed up my own theory (theory? I don’t think so #fact) on the origins of stuff.

So … several infinite years ago in the space wot surrounds us all for several infinite miles, there was quite a soup of stuff and then a black hole had a bit of a thing with another black hole and the result was messy. (On a domestic level imagine the consequences of several pints of beer followed by an extremely hot curry. *pause* Got that?).

Anyhoo dark matter was scattered far and wide, some bits bigger than others. Some larger bits swallowed up soup so that it went into other infinite universes and disappeared from ours. Other bits were so small that the soup clogged up the orifice in the dark matter, a bit like peas and bits of onion plug up your sink. (Got it? You should have – it ain’t rocket science).

More and more stuff gravitated round these blockages and so stars and planets and moons and whatever all got formed over many of our infinite years.

What we perceive as gravity is this tiny bit of dark matter that is right at the core of the world, sucking at our feet and is what keeps us from floating around when we have a nap on the sofa. Basically the world sucks.

This all seems to be bleedin’ obvious to me I don’t really know why I’m bothering to write this.

Anyway, that’s it, so stop your worrying and fretting and get on with something useful like cooking me a meal or sending loads of money to my ‘shed’ fund.

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Tue
16
Feb
2016

SEXTING

2000px-Parental_Advisory_label.svg

(Warning – the following might offend some people)

I was shocked to discover that Grumpy has fallen off the wagon and started sexting again.

I’ve decided, after much thought and soul searching, to ‘show and tell’ in the hope that this disgusting and depraved behavior will stop.

(Another warning – there’s a picture approaching)

(Ok? Ready?)

(Advisory note – best viewed with your eyes shut)

Sexting

Sorry about that but it had to be done.

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Mon
15
Feb
2016

A SHORT PLAY ‘Palpitation Fiction’

GAC_PulpFiction

(The curtain opens to reveal Daddy Papersurfer asleep on a sofa)

(Uma Thurman dressed as Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction enters stage right and starts dancing to “You never can tell” by Chuck Berry)

(DP wakes, stands up and collapses)

(Uma takes a bow and the curtain closes)

(The audience hears a siren)

(A paramedic team rush down an aisle and go onto the stage and behind the curtains)

The audience remain sitting in stunned silence.

(Behind the scenes Uma Thurman goes back to her hotel  muttering “What the f**k!!?!” and immediately phones her agent.)

Wed
10
Feb
2016

THE DADDY PAPERSURFER ONE MAN SHOW

55872832

“I say I say I say, my dog has no nose. How does he smell? He can’t.

What’s brown and sticky? A pile of poo.

I think I’m a pair of curtains. Go away, you’re mad.

What’s brown, steams and comes out of Cowes? Poo

Knock knock! Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? Beryl

Two guys walk into a bar. A third guy joins them.

Why can’t a nose be 12” long? Because that’s impossible.

What lives on the bottom of the ocean and shivers? A cold bottom dweller.

A man goes into hospital with six plastic horses jammed up his bum. The doctors described his condition as embarrassing.

Why does Piglet smell? Because he plays with poo.

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? Nothing, it’s a chimney. Chimneys can’t talk.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? An orange parrot.”

(Eye thank youuuuuuuu! If you wish to book me I am available … surprisingly)

Tue
9
Feb
2016

A SHORT PLAY ABOUT BANKERS

The main characters are Daddy Papersurfer (DP) and a banker (B)

parkins1

DP – “I’m trying to find out how banking works.”

B – “OK, fire away.”

DP – “So, if I want to borrow money you charge something like 5% interest?”

B – “Yes.”

DP – “ …and you lend me money that someone else has entrusted to your care – you don’t use your own money?”

B – “Correct.”

DP – “ … and you might pay this person 1% interest… if they’re lucky?”

B – “Correct.”

DP – “ … and you keep the 4% interest difference just for doing some paperwork?”

B – “Correct.”

DP – “What happens if you get your figures wrong?”

B – “Oh, the government steps in and rescues us.”

DP – “And where does the government get their money?”

B – “From the tax payer.”

DP – “Oh.”

B – “Has that cleared it all up for you Mr Daddy Papersurfer?”

DP – “Oh yes.”

B – “Good. Fancy a drink. You’re paying. I think I’ll have a bottle of Champers.”

(The cast members take a bow while the audience sits in stunned silence)

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Sun
7
Feb
2016

DEATH ANNOUNCEMENT

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce the death

of the Fairlight Eye.

Fairlight Eye - dead

This iconic landmark, which has played such a significant role in making Fairlight, E.Sussex into the must-visit tourist destination status that it enjoys today, was destroyed by heavy winds last night.

In my role as ninja sculpture doctor (untrained with no qualifications at all), I call death at, more or less, early this morning.

There is some hope for the resurrection of the Fairlight Eye, I say this in my role as a plastic surgeon, but I fear that this just might not be possible.

There might or might not be a memorial service at the Hastings recycling plant later in the month. This will depend on whether I can stay awake when I operate later today. I’ll keep interested parties informed.

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