Sun
16
Feb
2014

STOP GOING ROUND IN CIRCLES!

There is a roundabout on Hastings sea front that is causing quite a kerfuffle. Please read about it here.

We now have the stick-in-the-muds who just want the rather sad looking fountain renovated and that can only be used when it isn’t windy because in those conditions cars using the roundabout think they’re in a carwash and we have David Kowitz sounding more than a little dismayed about the whole sorry affair because no-one wants the 2nd hand sculpture on offer from the Fairlight Arts Trust. I believe that Mr Kowitz is American and therefore English is not his first language so his use of the word ‘garbage’ might not have been intentionally very rude.

Anyhoo the different sides seem to be squaring up to achieve the result that absolutely nothing will be achieved accept resentments, cultural divides and fodder for the media of course. Therefore I feel that I should come up with a suggestion and save the day.

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I’d commission a local steel fabricator to make a gigantic traditionally shaped lobsterpot which would be a true representation of the history of Hastings leading right up to now and it would also reference the shape of the fountain that exists at the moment.
I would then ask our local town sculptor, Leigh Dyer, …

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… to make two lobsters like this …

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or

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…  this for instance, to pop in the pot. BTW these images of lobster sculptures were just nicked off the interweave to show the different directions the works could go in.

This would sit very nicely on the roundabout, would be see-through for drivers for safety reasons, be very low maintenance, be pretty vandal and water proof and be appreciated by all ends of the Hastings cultural spectrum.

Hastings is a fascinating town peopled by a mixture of the bucket-and-spade brigade, the cultural vultures, the young, the old, the stuffed shirt and the let-it-all-hang-out. I believe that my idea, or something similar, could straddle this complicated population and become well loved by the vast majority. *drops a curtsy and devours a gingernut*

Wed
12
Feb
2014

Georgina Smythe

I avoid Georgina at number 20,
Although she’s a member of the cognoscenti
And she’s interesting and likes to rabbit,
Conversation’s hampered by her painful habit.

Points are made with her walking cane
With prods and pokes that all cause pain,
And if she’s in the mood ‘irate’
Survival depends on armour plate.

So I take care when going for walks
My eyes are skinned and out on stalks
And if I should see her in my path
I sprint back home and hide in the bath.

Fri
7
Feb
2014

SILVER LININGS

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One excellent result of both Lo, she is a terrible Goddess and I having blowy, sneezy, coughy and sore throaty colds at the same time, is the delight of sleepless nights leading to meaningful conversations in the wee small hours.

“I wonder if there’s a magazine called Phlegm?”

“I don’t think so. Contact Victoria Beckham in the morning , she might help you set one up.”

(The DP financial tip of the day – INVEST IN KLEENEX)

Sat
25
Jan
2014

ANNA PHYLACTIC

Here’s a poem I wrote ages ago. I thought it deserved another outing.

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Anna Phylactic liked to give shocks
Wore on one ear a brightly striped sock
Her singular hair she dyed a warm pink
Rubber plunger on breasticle [think sink].

She plaited her toes and removed all her nails
Dressed in a kilt and wore a silk veil
And then when she shopped she always used skates
Or herrings, if trimmed to just the right weight.

On Sundays, in order to vex the prim vicar
She turned up to church wearing only a knicker,
On the day of Ascension she mounted the spire
Played a selection of songs on her gold plated lyre.

And then when she died she continued the trend:
She’d arranged that her glass bottomed coffin ascend
Which showed off her bottom, bare but tattooed
Instructing the crowd, ”It tastes better stewed.”

The thought of mad Anna, now sadly departed,
Especially when I’m a little down-hearted
Puts a smile on my face and brightens my day
My troubles just seem to be whittled away.

Those that are different and stray from the norm
Who refuse to be sheep-like and always conform
Are vital to gain the knowledge we thirst
That is if we don’t do away with them first ………

Wed
15
Jan
2014

THE BARE CHEEK OF IT!

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Is this the sort of thing we want to see in Hastings? Or even masses of naked flesh draped all over the sea front!!!!!?!

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Of course it is.

There are plans for a flashing flash mob this coming Friday down at the Stade Open Space. Full details on the Jerwood website – click HERE for details. This is an undress rehearsal in the hope of winning the performance photographer Spencer Tunick later in the year to do a huge event.

I can see the headlines now “HASTINGS IS THE PLACE TO HANG OUT!”

Even if you don’t want to participate, please vote HERE so that Hastings can win this opportunity.

Wed
1
Jan
2014

WELCOME TO 2014

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All is normal here at the Cliff Top Residence although the ducks are beginning to wonder when the gale and severe gale force winds will end. Still, it’s been quite a lot of fun crawling around over the roof replacing lead flashing, broken tiles and ridge tiles not to mention chain sawing the fallen trees … so I won’t. There aren’t any sculptures left standing either.

And before you ask I have no idea where that cat came from …. *sigh*

Mon
23
Dec
2013

MERRY CHRISTMAS – Ho ho ho

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Here’s a jolly picky of Lo, she is a terrible Goddess and Father Christmas. Lo is the one on the left. I recognise that look of suspicion.

I hope that everyone has a very merry Yuletide with suspicions being kept to the absolute minimum.

Wed
11
Dec
2013

THE FAIRLIGHT EYE

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This iconic landmark which has stood in Fairlight for almost an hour and a half now, is one of the main reasons the village is considered to be a “have to, must do” tourist destination.

The London Eye has copied this design and I wish them every success in trying to be as popular as this attraction.

Fri
29
Nov
2013

MY PUBLIC AWAITS ME

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I now know how Kate Moss felt when she made the cover of Vogue for the first time.

No doubt there will be sightseers waiting to catch a glimpse of me when I return from Surfugal now this has been published. I might as well cash-in I suppose. I am prepared to offer the ice-cream concession on the front lawn for December, January and February at a very reasonable rate. Please let me know if you’re interested.

Many thanks to Anna for the photograph.

Sat
16
Nov
2013

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT STICKS

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My continuing efforts to inform and educate are not halted because I’m in Surfugal.

There is no particular wrong and right end of a stick to get hold of. In very basic terms it depends on whether you want to poke someone in the eye or club them over the head. This particular stick has been broken in two*. The cleft end could be used to trap snakes and the flattened, sharper end would be very useful in digging a shallow grave to bury the snake in. The labels have ‘wrong’ written on one side and ‘right’ written on the other.

This sculpture will be gifted to one of our neighbours here.

* It broke in two by accident which was my fault. However I feel the point can still be made. Waste not, want not.