Mon
15
Feb
2016

A SHORT PLAY ‘Palpitation Fiction’

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(The curtain opens to reveal Daddy Papersurfer asleep on a sofa)

(Uma Thurman dressed as Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction enters stage right and starts dancing to “You never can tell” by Chuck Berry)

(DP wakes, stands up and collapses)

(Uma takes a bow and the curtain closes)

(The audience hears a siren)

(A paramedic team rush down an aisle and go onto the stage and behind the curtains)

The audience remain sitting in stunned silence.

(Behind the scenes Uma Thurman goes back to her hotel  muttering “What the f**k!!?!” and immediately phones her agent.)

Wed
10
Feb
2016

THE DADDY PAPERSURFER ONE MAN SHOW

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“I say I say I say, my dog has no nose. How does he smell? He can’t.

What’s brown and sticky? A pile of poo.

I think I’m a pair of curtains. Go away, you’re mad.

What’s brown, steams and comes out of Cowes? Poo

Knock knock! Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? Beryl

Two guys walk into a bar. A third guy joins them.

Why can’t a nose be 12” long? Because that’s impossible.

What lives on the bottom of the ocean and shivers? A cold bottom dweller.

A man goes into hospital with six plastic horses jammed up his bum. The doctors described his condition as embarrassing.

Why does Piglet smell? Because he plays with poo.

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? Nothing, it’s a chimney. Chimneys can’t talk.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? An orange parrot.”

(Eye thank youuuuuuuu! If you wish to book me I am available … surprisingly)

Tue
9
Feb
2016

A SHORT PLAY ABOUT BANKERS

The main characters are Daddy Papersurfer (DP) and a banker (B)

parkins1

DP – “I’m trying to find out how banking works.”

B – “OK, fire away.”

DP – “So, if I want to borrow money you charge something like 5% interest?”

B – “Yes.”

DP – “ …and you lend me money that someone else has entrusted to your care – you don’t use your own money?”

B – “Correct.”

DP – “ … and you might pay this person 1% interest… if they’re lucky?”

B – “Correct.”

DP – “ … and you keep the 4% interest difference just for doing some paperwork?”

B – “Correct.”

DP – “What happens if you get your figures wrong?”

B – “Oh, the government steps in and rescues us.”

DP – “And where does the government get their money?”

B – “From the tax payer.”

DP – “Oh.”

B – “Has that cleared it all up for you Mr Daddy Papersurfer?”

DP – “Oh yes.”

B – “Good. Fancy a drink. You’re paying. I think I’ll have a bottle of Champers.”

(The cast members take a bow while the audience sits in stunned silence)

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Sun
7
Feb
2016

DEATH ANNOUNCEMENT

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce the death

of the Fairlight Eye.

Fairlight Eye - dead

This iconic landmark, which has played such a significant role in making Fairlight, E.Sussex into the must-visit tourist destination status that it enjoys today, was destroyed by heavy winds last night.

In my role as ninja sculpture doctor (untrained with no qualifications at all), I call death at, more or less, early this morning.

There is some hope for the resurrection of the Fairlight Eye, I say this in my role as a plastic surgeon, but I fear that this just might not be possible.

There might or might not be a memorial service at the Hastings recycling plant later in the month. This will depend on whether I can stay awake when I operate later today. I’ll keep interested parties informed.

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Mon
1
Feb
2016

ROOM 101

I would like to ban hair to Room 101.

Nose-Hair-Scissors-Plucking-Nose-Hair-Pulling-Nose-Hair-Pulling-or-Tweezing

It has an unpredictable mind of it’s own and serves no useful purpose.

As the years meander along the hair on your noddle loses the will to live and the energy that it once spent is redirected to all those secret places where hair lurks. The ears, the nostrils, the back and other areas of outstanding natural beauty all suffer from growing pains while the pate turns into an air conditioning unit.

Even ladies aren’t exempt. I remember when my mother was ancient there were three follicles on her chin that sprang forth like non-barbed barbed wire that used to tie themselves in knots around her soup spoon.

I know people will say that hair helps with avoiding chaffing etc but many women I know, and several men, shave under their armpits and I have never noticed them yelling “Ouch” when marching around swinging their arms.

We should all be totally bald with not a single hair on any part of our bodies. It would make life much simpler and predictable.

(Apologies to hairdressers and ‘product’ manufacturers – you’ll just have to retrain)

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Thu
28
Jan
2016

THERE WILL BE FIREWORK!

I have invented the ever-lasting and interactive firework!

Firework

Imagine the excitement of the family gathered round as this magnificent  invention is hurled into the air and everyone has a wondeful time going “Whooooosh, ahhhhhhhhh, BANG!!!!!”

It can then be picked up, so long as it’s been thrown thoughtfully and carefully of course, and then used again and again!

(Can be used indoors as well as outdoors.)

The money saved plus the lack of danger makes this a ‘must have’ for young and old alike!

(Disclaimer – sticks can be dangerous – splinters, pokes in the eye, flammable etc. This toy should not be taken orally)

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Mon
18
Jan
2016

A DISSERTATION – THE LAVA LAMP

Over the billions of years that the universe has been floating around there have been a smidge under an infinite number of coincidences that have made this and that. This is all very jolly and extremely groovy.

telstar_lavalamp_VO

That is until  these were created in 1963.

Now… if there is a deity or deities in charge then surely this would have been the time when the ‘delete’ button would have been pressed. Well, perhaps not when they were first conceived and manufactured, they could have just been seen as a ‘blip’, but certainly action would have been necessary on the resurgence of their popularity that I’ve noticed over the last few years. Honestly, what is the point?

I present this as proof that we’re are on our own. We really must start taking our responsibilities more seriously.

This is the way my world wags, yours might be different.

Sat
9
Jan
2016

THE SUN IN ALL IT’S GLORY

Even at this time of year the solar panels chuck out quite a lot of electrickery … for about 1/2 an hour a day … when it isn’t cloudy or raining … or snowing.

IMG_0807

When these specific conditions happen to collide in celestial harmony we charge round the house turning on the washing machine, the dishwasher, the vacuum cleaner, the radio, the television, the fridge, the freezer, all computers and the electric fire in the shed.

For most of the winter, obviously, our clothes smell, the milk is off, there’s dust everywhere, the dishes are filthy and everything in the freezer stinks.

My advice is, if you want to visit, come over during the wonderful summers we enjoy year on year.

#iliveinafantasyworld

(I won a prize this week but I’m not telling you what it was)

Sat
2
Jan
2016

2015 + 1

The New Year has got off to a cracking start.

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So far, I’ve mused on whether windows in trousers would be a commercial proposition, do Inuits have reinforced vests around the nipple areas to allow for ‘perky’ wear and tear and will the bank accept 2015 + 1 as a valid amendment on incorrectly dated cheques.

I hope that your brain is working as well as mine.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Mon
28
Dec
2015

RE-WRITING CHRISTMAS

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My story concerns seven brothers from the town of Muzak who get fed up with waiting for seven brides and decide to join a monastery.

After a couple of weeks they all get rather bored, and not wishing to break their vows, form a mime group. They call themselves the Von Trappists.

Their act proves very popular and so they put on a show in a farmer’s barn in order to save an orphanage.

However their mime of ‘Carry on up the Goatherd’ upsets a closet Nazi who chases them wielding his powerful weapon.

They escape through some nuns and just as they are about to be shot, a woman floats down on an umbrella and, as if by magic, she produces loads of Lego  from her handbag and quickly builds a full size, working aeroplane whilst singing some really annoying songs.

They all escape to Oz where they have a wizard of a time chasing ticking crocodiles and climbing beanstalks.

And then the Queen has her Christmas massage.

THE END

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