I have been researching various historical subjects. Some of the documentation is open to public scrutiny but I have recently discovered a lot under the floorboards of the Cliff Top Residence.
There is a position in the Royal Family’s household called ‘The Royal Serf of the Swab’. This position is open to any nationality and has been in existence for generations.
It was discovered a long time ago that earwax from Royal personages was the perfect material to clean and polish the Crown Jewels, and it has been the job of the Royal Serf of the Swab to gather this precious commodity for many years.
The efficacy of this magic unguent was alluded to by the Bard himself. The original, well quoted, ‘To be or not to be, that is the question’ actually read in the original ‘ To beeswax or not to beeswax, there is no question. The nobler the wax, the buffer the bling.”
It’s a little known fact that Van Gogh held this position for several years, but on the discovery that he had been stealing the precious substance to add to the pigments used for his series of paintings of sunflowers, the traditional punishment of having his ear cut-off was meted out to him. Any other explanation that you might have heard is complete rubbish.
The present holder of the position, Hubert Cuthbertson of Catford, has collected so much earwax from the Prince of Wales that storage at Buck House has become a problem. A special vault has been dug at the bottom of the garden.
When I feel that you, Avid Reader, have digested this information, I shall move onto Lesson 2: ‘The Very Holy Relic of St. Fudges-in-the-marsh’. A truly fascinating glimpse into modern history.
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6 Comments
What a scarey thought!!! And they got paid for this too?
Money for old wax – not nice really….. not nice at all..
Some people might wax lyrical young Kate ……
STOP PRESS:
Duchy Originals have unveiled their latest product this morning.
A Royal press release was broadcast simultaneously 0n the BBC and Twitter.
The exact recipe of the new addition to the range is,
of course, a closely guarded secret, though a source close to this office has confided in me that the main ingredients are earwax and moose excrement.
The intended use of this substance is as a hayfever remedy, but an enterprising young chemistry student from Saskatoon, Canada, has reportedly produced a new party drug already much in demand amongst clubbers.
The British tabloid press has inevitably dubbed the new drug ‘Wacky Cacky’.
Prince Charles was said to be unavailable for comment
you are both as bad as one another – or as mad!!! I’m not sure which….
I’m ‘bad’ and he’s ‘mad’ ……. or vice versa ….. it doesn’t really matter …… I think it’s going very well …. tee hee
Kate their conditions is far worse than I had feared
That is one of your better sentences …….. tsk
lol
It has been reliably reported that a coven from Erotic Transmogrifiers will be adding “By Royal Appointment” to their signage following the payment of a 25% increase by Prince Charles. They have announced that they are about to fulfill one of the Royal dreams and transmogrify the Prince into a small white cylinder. There are rumours that the Royal ears will not become any smaller.
Princess Camilla has declined to comment.
I’ve always had a particular interest in Prince Charles as he is almost exactly the same age as me ….. I must say my ears are much nicer though ……
I wish you hadn’t used the term “digest.”
Hold your nose and take the medicine young Sledpress …. there’s probably worse to come …… tee hee
earwax is really just dried peanut butter, yum!
I tasted some when I was kid ….. YUK YUK YUK …. wash your mouth out Nooter!!!!
I’m just thankful it isn’t the remedy for chapped lips and canker sores! I’m all about small victories.
There’s usually a bright side Jamie ….. well thought through …..