“What the ………!”

I sat bolt upright in bed and then remembered that I had a very important interview with Uma Thurman about why an ageing git was so attractive to goddesses.

I jumped out of bed forgetting, that I’d parked my skateboard there in case I needed a quick getaway.

I scooted across the bedroom and managed to avoid the antlers of the stuffed deer’s head on the wall. Whooping with triumph, I suddenly remembered that I’d left my undercrackers on the floor. I swerved past them, kicked the door open and shot down the hall.

I came to a beautiful stop just by the kettle.

I started filling it up having unplugged it first, put it on and started searching for the cafetiére. I opened the wall cupboard where’s it’s usually kept, and then remembered that it was in the dishwasher.

I found it at last and measured out the coffee and poured the hot water onto the grounds.

“If I forget to wash this up afterwards the TG will have grounds for divorce” I thought …… and giggled.

Thinking about the bacon sandwich I’d be enjoying soon I was just about to take my first slug of caffeine when the TG called from the bedroom.

“Don’t forget to wash the cafetiére when you’ve finished”.

I decided to finish before I started – time management is very important to me.

I rooted around in the fridge and found the back bacon.

I lit the hob and put three rashers on to fry.

The telephone rang.

It was Uma who was just checking that I hadn’t forgotten the interview and asking what would I like her to wear.

I fired up the computer to search for some fashion advice while she droned on about how privileged she felt and were there any special requirements I might need, like a specific bottled water or a cushion with a hole in the middle.

I smelt something burning.

I slammed the phone down and rushed into the kitchen, tripped over the skateboard and fell headlong into the large glass doors that overlook the marina …………