On Monday some very kind (and some not so kind) avid readers left a few words and phrases for me to weave into a yarn [susurrus, eat my shorts, WWOOF, penitence, don, muliebrity, behemoth, bamboozling, flipper, template, a dog's dinner, Bunburying, going to hell in a handbasket, confabulation, entangled photon pairs, hairball, flavous, close - but no cigar, my ears are burning, dudgeon]……. so it isn’t my fault. Here we go…
One of the things I get lumbered with as the only famous person living in our village is to be one of the judges in the dog show section at the village fête. I always intend to practice the fine art of Bunburying but never quite remember, and consequently find myself being bamboozled into taking on this rather odious chore. I see it as an act of penitence for not volunteering to go on dog poop patrol.
The dogs are rarely a problem as I’m a bit of a dog susurrus-er. It’s the owners that worry me.
Take Miss Gogonad for instance. I wouldn’t call her a behemoth exactly but when she enters the judging marquee there’s hardly room for her Chihuahua to sit down, and her enormous bosom [her only concession to muliebrity] becomes a health and safety issue with regards to access to the escape route in case of fire. She also sails around the fete with an ‘eat my shorts’ expression on her face – the thought of which makes me feel quite faint.
The two most contentious prizes are for the WWOOF cup and the Template plate. The WWOOF cup is awarded to the dog with the nicest bark and the Template plate to the pooch that other dogs would most like to be like.
During the judging for the WWOOF cup I’ve learnt from bitter experience that it’s wise to don ear-plugs and just nod wisely. There was a slight debâcle last year when I was nodding away trying to look impressed at the efforts of a Cavalier King Charles spaniel. It looked as though it was making a grand noise, opening and closing it’s mouth and wobbling it’s Adam’s apple like a goodun. It suddenly collapsed and was rushed out of the tent by it’s owner. I whipped out my earplugs. There was quite a confabulation going on. Apparently it was choking on a hairball – either that or somebody had nobbled the dog’s dinner just before judging. This sort of thing happens a lot. The way some people behave I’m sure that they are going to hell in a handbasket – or a dog basket I suppose.
Sometimes it’s impossible to make a decision as there are equally deserving winners. I devised a ‘decider’ a few years ago – with agreement from the other judges I hasten to add. We call it the ‘Flipper’. If we have seen any of the owners wearing flip-flops during the past 12 months their dog gets ‘flipped’ [just penalty for an unforgivable sartorial faux pas].
There are some highlights though. There was the year when Radar, a rather randy pug, took a fancy to an enormous yet willing St. Bernard. They ended up under the judge’s table looking like an entangled photon pair. It was very tricky trying to untangle them as the pug had disappeared from view completely. And of course, there’s Old Flavous. This ancient pooch has been entered into the show for many years now and has never won anything. Mrs Crunch, his owner, always comes up for a chat after the judging has been completed. I have to tell her ‘He came soooo close this year, but no cigar I’m afraid.” She always gets into a very high dudgeon with poor Old Flavous, as though it’s his fault. I hope she doesn’t shoot him.
After it’s all over I try to revive myself in the beer tent. I can feel my ears burning and I resolve never to do it again …….. we’ll see.
The End
Match of the Day
There is no match of the day as I ran out of time ….. (I actually feel almost quite sorry for him – he’s surrounded by broken quills , his stubby little fingers are all inkstained and his poor little piggy eyes are virtually non-existent. Bless. Lo,TG Ed)
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Stumble It!
13 Comments
Brilliant! Very amusing, DP. See you in the beer tent for a celebratory slurp
*burp*
I’m impressed! I’ve been on to the oganisers at Pup-Aid http://goo.gl/zZeI they need a few more celeb judges……
I’m afraid I’ve got to visit my sick friend on that day/days/week/weeks/month/months ……..
so did the KCS win the WWOFer cup?? …. Layla is waiting with anticipation
& please tell me that the dog in the photo has been put out of its misery and his owner have been put down …..
No, it didn’t win but it did survive …….. just.
There were some even more bizarre pictures wherever I found that ….
that poodle makes me feel queasy
I’m sure she had a lovely time ……
I’m with nursemyra on that. No dog, not even a poodle, deserves to be humiliated like that.
Your story was very amusing, and quite well written. I’m impressed with your ability to create an amusing story that reads quite well when you have the confines of such an odd group of words to incorporate.
WHAT!?? No match of the day? I suppose we’ll survive the lack therof.
Quite!!!?! quite!!!!?! QUITE!!!!!!!!!!!?! ……. *faints*
….runs for smelling salts…..fanning dp frantically…….dashes a pitcher of water in his face. …..
Whew. You’re back, I assume.
Healingmagichands!!!!!!!!! ….. *faints ……. again*
This comment was obviously intending to use the word quite in the sense of completely or absolutely, Peabrain dear.
(Tut)
I can’t hear you …… I’ve fainted …….
So use of the word “Quite” causes fainting. Instead I will use the word “Quaint”. In reference to a matchless post.
The tale was amusing and amusingly written (adverb and adjective both used – “Mummy, is my prose becoming purple?”) and deserving of superlatives. However, I shan’t use them as that would be going over the top.
I have been thinking of going for help in a handbasket.
If you need any help I’ll help Archie ….. packing oneself into a handbasket can be quite tricky … eeeeek, QUITE again!!!!! *collapses*
I’m losing it trying to picture inverted/imploded piggy eyes.
Why are you trying to picture piggy eyes? Is this a new hobby or just a passing fancy?
I’m tryin’ ta get ‘in’ to what LoTG said. (Crap, now I’m ‘hearing’ her voice when she edits his stuff)
John – his eyes have puffed up after being up all night creating this little gem. How he suffers for his art.
[My voice in your head - oh dear, sorry John, that must be horrible. :-0 ]
At last …… someone to share the burden ……
LoTG’s voice is no burden compared to the nightmare I went through in my mind playwriting the Bedlamb Dialogues. Billy Conn0lly refused the part of you by the way.
Which part of me?
Are they staying that way or throbbing bigger…then smaller…then bigger…then smaller? (Oh, don’t be sorry. It was meant in a kindly way…ratherly grandmotherly addictive.)
Rather WHAT???
A) Where did you get that picture of that poor dog? His/her owner needs to be shot.
2) Please don’t write post where I have to have the dictionary open in another tab to understand it. The only $.50 word I understood on my own was “sartorial” and that’s just because I heard it on “Charmed” a long time ago.
3) Very good yarn! Very brave too.
That’s very short-sighted ….. the doggy won’t have anyone to feed her or take her for walkies …… she doesn’t mind what she looks like ….. and don’t blame me for the dictionary thing, blame the other lot ….
Fantastic – obviously I need to tart Alfie up for the next time!!!!!!????
Just holding a flower between the teeth would do it I reckon ……..
oooh could be a while then – he has eaten most of my flowers in the garden!!!! Probably wouldn’t last for even a photo….. behind the ear perhaps!!!!?????
That always looks great!
My Briton ex — from the Heathrow end of London — came from a family that fancied Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. When we were engaged, however briefly, the resident spaniel puppy at his parents’ was dubbed Pericles. The first time he lifted his leg against a tyre we were heartbroken to find that mum had never heard the title of the Shakespeare play — just thought it was a nice name…
“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others and left on tyres.”
lol. that is one super cool looking dog
I’ll make an appointment for you at the opticians immediately ……
Ok, you cheated just a bit… but the story was entertaining enough I’ll look the other way…
this time.
(Or even perhaps again, should I be sufficiently bribed….)
Only a teeny weeny bit ……