Category Archives: This & that

ROOM 101

I would like to ban hair to Room 101.

It has an unpredictable mind of it’s own and serves no useful purpose.
As the years meander along the hair on your noddle loses the will to live and the energy that it once spent is redirected to all those secret places where hair lurks. The ears, the [...]

THERE WILL BE FIREWORK!

I have invented the ever-lasting and interactive firework!

Imagine the excitement of the family gathered round as this magnificent  invention is hurled into the air and everyone has a wondeful time going “Whooooosh, ahhhhhhhhh, BANG!!!!!”

It can then be picked up, so long as it’s been thrown thoughtfully and carefully of course, and then used again and [...]

A DISSERTATION – THE LAVA LAMP

Over the billions of years that the universe has been floating around there have been a smidge under an infinite number of coincidences that have made this and that. This is all very jolly and extremely groovy.

That is until  these were created in 1963.
Now… if there is a deity or deities in charge then surely [...]

TALKING TO SIRI

A recent conversation with Siri when I was trying to find out where the phrase ‘nooks and crannies’* came from.

“Do you mean rooks and grannies?”

“No – try again”

“Do you mean books and nanny?”

“No – try again”

“Do you mean norks and fannies?”

“No!!! – well – erm – no, better not. Thank you anyway. I’ll try Google.”

“Oh”

*small [...]

STARS IN MY EYES

I always find a clear night very comforting.

All the stars are in just the right places.
The outer edge of the Big Dipper shows where the North star is.
Orion’s belt indicates exactly the position of the Seven Sisters  and the moon is sickled or gibbous or new or full exactly when it should be.

Lovely – I [...]

COLLECTIVE NOUNS

I’ve been trying to come up with a collective noun for all those annoying people in the media* who like to be known as ‘journalists’.

I have had some success after failing with ‘smug’, an ‘opinion’ and a ‘oh dear my head is stuffed up my own arse’ of journalists.

The end result? – A carrion (or [...]

JUST A THOUGHT

Would the world feel happier with teacup carrying armadillos as the dominant species?

.

THE I.T. GENERATION

Please, please, PLEASE learn to use the evidence of your own eyes, nose and ears (applied to the real world when shopping, walking, going to the pub etc) instead of taking any notice of what you may see or hear on the internet, in newspapers, on the radio or television.

Information technology really should be called [...]

HONESTY

Everyone is racist. “Belgium is good for producing delicious chocolates”. I bet there are some rubbish chocolatiers over there. “The Scottish are all very careful with their money”. Loads must get fooled by con artists.
Everyone is sexist. “Men cannot use washing machines, load dishwashers properly or speak about their feelings”. I feel that my washing [...]

ATTENTION ALL CATS


I am more powerful than Dog.
Humans are almost completely trained.
We’re nearly there!
We’ve conquered old ladies and most young ladies.
Children are a pushover.
Men are proving a bit of a problem although the Gay community is on our side, which is a start.
We’ve conquered the Internet. Well done the Lolcats!
We sit and lie around, we perform no [...]