Category Archives: poems

I DISLIKE THE WORD CUTE

The Upper Crusted and Crested Newt Is the epitome of ghastly cute He wears a ruff Partakes of snuff And turns sideways through doorways when playing the flute. (We’re snowed in and beginning to suffer from cabin fever hence the awful poem. It’s been like this for literally hours now.)

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR … AGAIN

46 years of too much bliss Many laughs with hardly a hiss A burning tea bag What a wag Pucker up now for a sloppy kiss Lo, she is a terrible Goddess must be the unluckiest woman on the planet.

EIGHT FOOT SQUARE

Hang on … that’s 12 square feet! AN ODE What would you do in an eight foot square? Wear top hat and tails? – trés debonair Or wobble about and get bad mal de mer? Or perhaps cut your hair in a large barber’s chair? There might be the sight of a huge grizzly bear […]

AMBROSE le CARTE

He’s easy to follow is Ambrose le Carte Even if foggy or incredibly dark There are noises and smells that give him away A career as a spy would be very risqué It’s the beans he consumes that have these affects And explains why he’s single in many respects That and his hair only attached […]

OVER THE HILL

There are signs that you are over the hill The doctor exclaiming “You’ve got to take pills! Statins and blockers and other great meds And exactly what is that growing out of your head?” It’s one of the hairs that’s completely gone rogue It appeared with my sudden desire for brogues My forehead has recently […]

THE MISTER CLUB

There are loads of Mister Men from Cool to Rude to Strong From Tickle to Forgetful, the list is very long There’s Mister Topsy-Turvy and Uppity and Bump A Quiet and a Greedy, though there’s no Mr Thump And then there’s one more Mister that we really can’t ignore A title lacking gravitas, it’s really […]

IF AT FIRST ….

I do my best, I’m up for the new I’ve even made sculptures with elephant poo I’ve climbed up a hill clutching some brie To see if I could manage to get down to the sea And with abacus, ink and a very large hook I’ve even attempted to write a great book None of […]

NOSE VERSUS HAIR

When finding the way I follow my nose If it runs so do I It makes sense I suppose But the girl in the piccy uses her head Til the parting of ways When she loses the thread So I think my way’s best, I hope you agree And I don’t need a mirror I’m […]

BUTCH RHAPSODY

The story of my life marks my face like a slap I really had no idea I’d suffered so much crap. [Actually, I suspect it’s got more to do with gravity and the lack of a moisturising regime but that doesn’t sound nearly as interesting or manly]

WARNING – BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU GOOGLE

What the ……!!!?! Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked, If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick? Or possibly I am not the pheasant plucker, I’m the pheasant plucker’s mate. I am only plucking pheasants Because […]