Category Archives: poems

PANTS!

I’m just popping out, I’m not going far,
I wonder where my car keys are?
Beside the bed?
Inside the shed?
I’m finding all this very bizarre.
This is going to drive me quite mad,
Today is beginning to go real bad -
Now I’ve looked by the sink
And I’m starting to think
I’ll have to resort to trying an ad.
Oh no, I’ve [...]

Georgina Smythe

I avoid Georgina at number 20,
Although she’s a member of the cognoscenti
And she’s interesting and likes to rabbit,
Conversation’s hampered by her painful habit.
Points are made with her walking cane
With prods and pokes that all cause pain,
And if she’s in the mood ‘irate’
Survival depends on armour plate.
So I take care when going for walks
My eyes are [...]

ANNA PHYLACTIC

Here’s a poem I wrote ages ago. I thought it deserved another outing.

Anna Phylactic liked to give shocks
Wore on one ear a brightly striped sock
Her singular hair she dyed a warm pink
Rubber plunger on breasticle [think sink].
She plaited her toes and removed all her nails
Dressed in a kilt and wore a silk veil
And then when [...]

GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF IDOLATRY

Going shopping and whilst hopping,
She spied her own reflection.
She checked her bum, oh this is fun.
She gazed with much affection.
“Avast behind!” broke her peace of mind,
She glared in all directions,
Then saw the source, oh yes, of course!
A pirate of fair complexion.
She began to flirt and twirled her skirt
Then spied an imperfection.
Across his bum, which left [...]

A PAIR OF DITTIES

CONTRARIETY
Hidden away in a secret valley somehow keeping warm
Developing and controlling the uncontrollable brain storm
Safely separate from all the peeps and content to be alone
Yet placing very carefully the makings of stepping stones.
WHEN TO CAST A CLOUT
There are signs that the season of hibernation is coming to an end
I’ve seen the sun and scratched my [...]

I DISLIKE THE WORD CUTE

The Upper Crusted and Crested Newt
Is the epitome of ghastly cute
He wears a ruff
Partakes of snuff
And turns sideways through doorways when playing the flute.
(We’re snowed in and beginning to suffer from cabin fever hence the awful poem. It’s been like this for literally hours now.)

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR … AGAIN

46 years of too much bliss
Many laughs with hardly a hiss
A burning tea bag
What a wag
Pucker up now for a sloppy kiss
Lo, she is a terrible Goddess must be the unluckiest woman on the planet.

EIGHT FOOT SQUARE

Hang on … that’s 12 square feet!
AN ODE
What would you do in an eight foot square?
Wear top hat and tails? – trés debonair
Or wobble about and get bad mal de mer?
Or perhaps cut your hair in a large barber’s chair?
There might be the sight of a huge grizzly bear
Or a model in gold of a [...]

AMBROSE le CARTE

He’s easy to follow is Ambrose le Carte
Even if foggy or incredibly dark
There are noises and smells that give him away
A career as a spy would be very risqué
It’s the beans he consumes that have these affects
And explains why he’s single in many respects
That and his hair only attached to the right
Combed over, slicked down [...]

OVER THE HILL

There are signs that you are over the hill
The doctor exclaiming “You’ve got to take pills!
Statins and blockers and other great meds
And exactly what is that growing out of your head?”
It’s one of the hairs that’s completely gone rogue
It appeared with my sudden desire for brogues
My forehead has recently chosen to spawn
A filament so gross [...]