Category Archives: poems

BLINKERS

People distress me who are pressed and compressed
No matter what their age
So pray don’t depress me, please be progressed
So says this silly old sage.

.
.
.
.
.

JACK AND JILL …

… a risk assessment.

Jack and Jill went up the hill

(already I have an impending sense of disaster. How steep is the hill? Has it been checked for trip hazards? Are there any paedophiles in the area?)

To fetch a pail of water.

(Oh dear. Has the pail been sanitised? How heavy is it when empty and when [...]

SOCIAL MEDIA

(Sex, drugs and rock and troll)

Good and bad
Happy and sad
Commotions, devotions
Silly emoticons
Twitter tried
And Facebook fried
Adored, deplored
(Worst of all ignored!)
Whatever you say
It’s here to stay.

PANTS!

I’m just popping out, I’m not going far,
I wonder where my car keys are?
Beside the bed?
Inside the shed?
I’m finding all this very bizarre.
This is going to drive me quite mad,
Today is beginning to go real bad -
Now I’ve looked by the sink
And I’m starting to think
I’ll have to resort to trying an ad.
Oh no, I’ve [...]

Georgina Smythe

I avoid Georgina at number 20,
Although she’s a member of the cognoscenti
And she’s interesting and likes to rabbit,
Conversation’s hampered by her painful habit.
Points are made with her walking cane
With prods and pokes that all cause pain,
And if she’s in the mood ‘irate’
Survival depends on armour plate.
So I take care when going for walks
My eyes are [...]

ANNA PHYLACTIC

Here’s a poem I wrote ages ago. I thought it deserved another outing.

Anna Phylactic liked to give shocks
Wore on one ear a brightly striped sock
Her singular hair she dyed a warm pink
Rubber plunger on breasticle [think sink].
She plaited her toes and removed all her nails
Dressed in a kilt and wore a silk veil
And then when [...]

GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF IDOLATRY

Going shopping and whilst hopping,
She spied her own reflection.
She checked her bum, oh this is fun.
She gazed with much affection.
“Avast behind!” broke her peace of mind,
She glared in all directions,
Then saw the source, oh yes, of course!
A pirate of fair complexion.
She began to flirt and twirled her skirt
Then spied an imperfection.
Across his bum, which left [...]

A PAIR OF DITTIES

CONTRARIETY
Hidden away in a secret valley somehow keeping warm
Developing and controlling the uncontrollable brain storm
Safely separate from all the peeps and content to be alone
Yet placing very carefully the makings of stepping stones.
WHEN TO CAST A CLOUT
There are signs that the season of hibernation is coming to an end
I’ve seen the sun and scratched my [...]

I DISLIKE THE WORD CUTE

The Upper Crusted and Crested Newt
Is the epitome of ghastly cute
He wears a ruff
Partakes of snuff
And turns sideways through doorways when playing the flute.
(We’re snowed in and beginning to suffer from cabin fever hence the awful poem. It’s been like this for literally hours now.)

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR … AGAIN

46 years of too much bliss
Many laughs with hardly a hiss
A burning tea bag
What a wag
Pucker up now for a sloppy kiss
Lo, she is a terrible Goddess must be the unluckiest woman on the planet.