Just imagine waking up in the morning to be greeted by a reliable source telling you that “You’d better not go to work today as your level of tiredness is likely to increase your chances of having an accident by 54%”, or “Oh dear, hurty knee – definitely take a couple of days off” or even “Your immune system is looking a tad iffy – perhaps you should stay in bed.”

You’d also be informed of conditions in the work place. “Nobody’s had a serious accident on these premises for 438 days. The chances are that something terrible is going to happen soon. If I were you I’d think very carefully about going into work today” or “Kiley in accounts sneezed 3 times yesterday – she could be getting a nasty cold. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!”

Accidents and illness in the workplace cost companies and countries a fortune – prevention is better than cure.


This fantastic bit of kit, the iHorrorscope, utilises the latest Body Sensor technology. The information gathered is combined with data from insurance company data bases and the results and likely prognostications are then distributed  by to you and the company you work for. Their online timesheets at will automatically show precise details of the problem and the consequent reactions.

Included in the price of the iHorrorscope are the various sensors to be implanted and the cost of all medical procedures – a stay of about a week in hospital [with relatively little pain] usually suffices. The sensors relay continuous information to a central computer about the physical and mental state of the subject and this data combined with probability calculations from the insurance data gives a very accurate prediction of what the immediate future holds.

Of course it isn’t only about you.

My calculations suggest that accidents at work will drop significantly and there will be fewer days lost to illness as cross infection will be almost eradicated by such structured absenteeism.

The iHorrorscope includes an MP3 player and a secret compartment to store an emergency gingernut.

Please contact me to get your individual quote for this innovative machine – people with allergies, asthma, a history of heart trouble, back problems, in-growing toenails or constipation need not apply.

[I know you’ll be surprised and disappointed but this is a work of fiction. It’s an entry for a competition that Fuelmyblog are involved with in conjunction with for a chance to win one of three iPads]