Just imagine waking up in the morning to be greeted by a reliable source telling you that “You’d better not go to work today as your level of tiredness is likely to increase your chances of having an accident by 54%”, or “Oh dear, hurty knee – definitely take a couple of days off” or even “Your immune system is looking a tad iffy – perhaps you should stay in bed.”
You’d also be informed of conditions in the work place. “Nobody’s had a serious accident on these premises for 438 days. The chances are that something terrible is going to happen soon. If I were you I’d think very carefully about going into work today” or “Kiley in accounts sneezed 3 times yesterday – she could be getting a nasty cold. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!”
Accidents and illness in the workplace cost companies and countries a fortune – prevention is better than cure.
This fantastic bit of kit, the iHorrorscope, utilises the latest Body Sensor technology. The information gathered is combined with data from insurance company data bases and the results and likely prognostications are then distributed by Clockspot.com to you and the company you work for. Their online timesheets at Clockspot.com will automatically show precise details of the problem and the consequent reactions.
Included in the price of the iHorrorscope are the various sensors to be implanted and the cost of all medical procedures – a stay of about a week in hospital [with relatively little pain] usually suffices. The sensors relay continuous information to a central computer about the physical and mental state of the subject and this data combined with probability calculations from the insurance data gives a very accurate prediction of what the immediate future holds.
Of course it isn’t only about you.
My calculations suggest that accidents at work will drop significantly and there will be fewer days lost to illness as cross infection will be almost eradicated by such structured absenteeism.
The iHorrorscope includes an MP3 player and a secret compartment to store an emergency gingernut.
Please contact me to get your individual quote for this innovative machine – people with allergies, asthma, a history of heart trouble, back problems, in-growing toenails or constipation need not apply.
[I know you’ll be surprised and disappointed but this is a work of fiction. It’s an entry for a competition that Fuelmyblog are involved with in conjunction with Clockspot.com for a chance to win one of three iPads]
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8 Comments
What this is fiction ??? What I can’t buy summut that tells me to stay in bed and not go to work?? sob
Thank goodness you posted this on a Friday at least I think I will be able to get through this last day of the week with that heavy load of disappointment
Your comment has been sent to your bosses via the iHorrorscope – they might or might not take action ….. I believe they are considering providing you with a bed by your desk with complimentary champagne and roses – either that or a sack …… tee hee
anticipation is the answer to everything – fabulous idea when will it be ready to market? DO YOU HAVE A PATENT???
Patently not …… perhaps the iHorrorscope will arrange it for me ….. *starts pressing some buttons but with little hope*
i need an app that can call the office for me when i’m sick, so i don’t have to wake up to do it… iWife?
Wives do have their uses I suppose ….. [hiding under the sofa ...... again]
iWife? That’s a sensational idea daisyfae!
The Japanese have a toilet that does this without the hospital detouer.
I’m trying to think how I could fit a loo into the device now …….. I might be gone some time ……
I looked at the contra-indications and since I have seven of the six mentioned I’ll take a miss on it.
White bread and boiled cakes are to blame you know ……. as the iHorrorscope would have informed you ….. [Tots up sales ..... onto to plan 57a then .... poo]
Many thanks for the loan device. it correctly predicted the following:
Today you will be one year closer to a bus pass.
Cake will be consumed today.
Your numbers came up on Wednesday.
You forgot to buy a lottery ticket on Wednesday.
Today you will read of ginger biscuits on the net.
There was also a dire warning about wearing protective eyewear when opening e-mails from Norvern folk…..
I know – it’s brilliant isn’t it?
[Many Happy Returns Mr GitWizard - may you get everything you deserve!!!! - *manly hugs*]
hope you win daddyp!
Thank you Nursey *wipes tear from eye*
You think I’m going to help you out by leaving a comment? Don’t be daft…
Fair enough …… nobody will read down this far anyway ……..
That’s true. I’m surprised they even bother with the top bit. Nothing better to do I suppose…
I rely on boredom as my avid readers driving force ….