The Cliff Top Residence
SE England
England
Dear Voice Recognition Bot – British Rail,
I just thought I’d drop you a line to say how much I loved our conversation the other day.
“Hello. Welcome to British Rail train enquiries. To prove that it’s only me that is a robot, please say hello.”
“Hello.”
“You are human – just. Where do you want to travel from?”
“Hastings.”
“Brighton. Where do you want to travel to?”
“No, not Brighton – HASTINGS”
“Bridlington. On what day do you want to travel?”
“ Bridlington – where the hell is Bridlington?”
“Wednesday. At what time do you want to travel?”
“I’m busy Wednesday actually.”
“6am. At what time do you want to arrive?”
“Is there a choice?”
“8pm – one moment please.”
……. at this point as, you well know, I hung up, and drove to the local station and spoke to the chap in the enquiries office.
“I need proof that you are who you say you are. Have you got any identification on you?”
“No”
“I’m sorry, I can’t help – NEXT!”
……. oh, I sooooo love life today.
If this missive arrives safely into the hands of someone real, please just destroy it – thank you.
Yours sincerely
Daddy Papersurfer
.
Stumble It!
8 Comments
“If this missive arrives safely into the hands of someone real, please just destroy it – thank you.”
Whew. I’ve been doing that (at the office) for quite some time now; I’m glad you’ve finally given the a-ok for it. Didn’t you wonder how I’ve managed to be consistently under-budget on the postal expenses?
At any rate… I’m sorry you’ve had such trouble handling anything on your own… just goes to show how valuable the women in your life (you know… wives, fracretaries, fanzine editors, etc.) have been.
Now why don’t you go have a little lie down {{while TG goes off to shop for new furniture for that bedroom… the office credit card hasn’t had much use this month so she should really have a nice day of it}}. I’ll leave some tea and gingernuts next to the chaise in your magazine clipping room.
I was wondering how you were managing the finances so well.
Mmmmm ……..
….. I hope there wasn’t anything important though ….. like the slip I had to sign for your bonus/other flip flop and the like ……. oh well …… I don’t suppose it matters.
Thanks for the tea and gingetnuts …….
I love gingetnuts
Have you seen my glasses Archie?
gingersnaps are quite lovely too!
I’m very thorough DP.. I’d never destroy documents that were important (to me…)
More tea?
That is the most worrying comment I’ve ever received ……. *looks up number of good lawyer – OK, no such thing – looks up number of a lawyer*
Silly DP… you’ve already got a lawyer… it’s been quite some time ago since I arranged to keep him on a retainer waiting for the right moment when you’d need him… he’s
my uncle of coursequite efficient and I’m sure he’ll havemyyour best interests at heart…I’ve already got a lawyer! *preens* …… excellent, I’m covered for all possibilities now – I’m sure he’s worth every penny ….. marvellous caring profession …….
You mean those “Voice Mail People” are robots? I thought they were just hard of hearing ladies. I have spent many a long hour flirting with them. Unfortunately their hearing problems can lead to some interesting mis-understandings. Why, one day I was unfairly told I may be charged with sexual harassment.
I find that very disturbing …… in many ways …..
mmmm I had similar problem booking a trip to Rhyl, North Wales..the chap on the other end of the phone never said he was a robot … that may have been the root of the language problem. !
p.s. have really written 17 letters already ,….. my you need a hobby or get out more … mm perhaps not as that would generate more letters lol
Going out is a disaster – bad for stress levels.
Blimey – someone from Wales trying to communicate with someone from Manchester – doomed to failure from the start ……….
I don’t think his accent was Welsh exactly !!!
Arrr ….. the Indiowelsh sub dialect to be found in Cardiff then is it? …… if I get your drift. The worst call centres are based in Glasgow – tee hee *expecting hate mail now*
If DP want’s a hobby that involves getting out, he could become a tuk-tuk driver…
http://www.tuktuktravel.co.uk/
If people who Google Bridlington end up here now they’re going to get very confused – anyway, I’m going to be working captaining that tramp now …..
Whoops – left out the word ’steamer’ …….
Funny you should say that, I Googled
http://www.aboutbridlington.co.uk/danesdyke/
and ended up here
I’m not sure if there are any dykes around here – Paula the Pirate Queen used to visit a long time ago ……. tee hee *waves to Paula in case she’s watching*
Googled Paula the PQ and by labyrinthine interweavism, found some very interesting sites…
http://cruelvirgin.blogspot.com/2009/07/message-from-divine-i-hope-so.html
haven’t got a clue what she’s on about
but that’s never stopped me visiting JohnC
and she has an image of a Wizard!
And Brighton’s 30 miles or 48.27 kilometres away
I’m still a guest blogger on her old site ….. perhaps I should make enquiries.
Brighton is only 30 miles from Bridlington …… amazing …….
oh how very cute and cool I want one
You’re talking about tuk-tuks I hope …….
quite possibly
That isn’t rhyming slang is it? …..
your thought train is a wonder to behold… lol
I deny ever having a thought in my life ….. tsk
(think she meant gitwizards)
mm it could be both of you.. joined at the hip
they do wonders with micro surgery these days ..
OUCH!
Those stitches are still healing DP!
(Did you HAVE to upset her like that???)
Yer fanzine ed’s getting stroppy,
I’m adjusting all of my copy,
If I praise all her photees,
will she be patting me bottys,
Or do I need to go all soft’n’sloppy?
I’m keeping a low profile …… over 40 years of experience have honed my defensive skills ….. yer right!
I’ve given up with those phone ‘bots.
And there’s always a queue at the ticket office.
I just jump on a train and ask ‘The Man in Seat 61′.
Unfortunately, the last time I tried, he was an attractive young lady, and I got thrown off at Bridlington.
Bridlington is getting way too much free advertising here today …… I must write to their tourist office …..
British Rail sounds just like Telstra
‘British Rail’ doesn’t sound anything like ‘Telstra’ Nursey – ‘Bellesbra’ does though ….. tee hee
Is that the ‘Yorkshire Bellesbra?’
http://www.yorkshire-belle.co.uk/
I could be the captain and shiver timbers and everything!
And your fracretary could supply the parrot
http://fracas.wordpress.com/2009/08/27/joke-of-the-day-issue-1/
That’s one dangerous squawker …….
The parrot or your fracretary?
Both (I’m quite sure.)
You have no idea who you’re dealing with GW …… I’d start taking precautions if I were you ……
She always squarks lovely to me,
It depends on yer parroterie’,
I fluff up her feathers,
then after (or whethers?),
we…I…sometimes enjoy fags’n'tea
there once was a gitwizard from down souff
who surfed then opened his mouth
something appeared
which he’d never’d a feared
[that was until he dissed dear Frac.... ]
I wonder if there’s a Mangled English Poet’s Society? ……..
70steen is such a treasure, isn’t she? <3
I suspect she was dug up …….
Ah good old British Rail. I have had many interesting conversations with robots. Have you tried the website? It’s a treat!
Hello St Jude – *genuflect* – sometimes robots are the only things that will speak to me although they have been known to hang up …….. the website? …. a treat or a threat?
I hope I didn’t cause any problems. I received a phone call today asking if I could confirm my tickets from Brighton to Bridlington. I knew I didn’t order them, so I told them it would be lovely and asked them to upgrade me to a luxury car and to have a bottle of Dom Perignon 1985 waiting for me. I hope they don’t have your credit card number…
You’d better speak to Fraccy as she deals with all those sort of things. In the meantime I’m just finishing off my crust and water ……… I wish I could find my teeth ……..
DaddyP’s getting the keys to Bridlington…I’d tee-hee if I knew how…yuk-yuk…
Is there a job available driving yuk-yuks? I’d be very good at that ……..
I can’t wait for the YouTube video
http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii144/dketoys/OhNoDoom/fluffy_yuk_yuk1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.spankystokes.com/2008_12_07_archive.html&usg=__1FeiLGJltxoDI9PkaigmWRj_KQg=&h=416&w=575&sz=162&hl=en&start=6&sig2=6FkfSCsskyO5X3BMdnfPCQ&tbnid=mXP9uYSuRlinPM:&tbnh=97&tbnw=134&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dyuk%2Byuk%2Byuk%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den&ei=2-qcSvP_EsHm-QbtgYGPBA
I had trouble with the clutch…..