Sun
7
Feb
2016

DEATH ANNOUNCEMENT

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce the death

of the Fairlight Eye.

Fairlight Eye - dead

This iconic landmark, which has played such a significant role in making Fairlight, E.Sussex into the must-visit tourist destination status that it enjoys today, was destroyed by heavy winds last night.

In my role as ninja sculpture doctor (untrained with no qualifications at all), I call death at, more or less, early this morning.

There is some hope for the resurrection of the Fairlight Eye, I say this in my role as a plastic surgeon, but I fear that this just might not be possible.

There might or might not be a memorial service at the Hastings recycling plant later in the month. This will depend on whether I can stay awake when I operate later today. I’ll keep interested parties informed.

.

Mon
1
Feb
2016

ROOM 101

I would like to ban hair to Room 101.

Nose-Hair-Scissors-Plucking-Nose-Hair-Pulling-Nose-Hair-Pulling-or-Tweezing

It has an unpredictable mind of it’s own and serves no useful purpose.

As the years meander along the hair on your noddle loses the will to live and the energy that it once spent is redirected to all those secret places where hair lurks. The ears, the nostrils, the back and other areas of outstanding natural beauty all suffer from growing pains while the pate turns into an air conditioning unit.

Even ladies aren’t exempt. I remember when my mother was ancient there were three follicles on her chin that sprang forth like non-barbed barbed wire that used to tie themselves in knots around her soup spoon.

I know people will say that hair helps with avoiding chaffing etc but many women I know, and several men, shave under their armpits and I have never noticed them yelling “Ouch” when marching around swinging their arms.

We should all be totally bald with not a single hair on any part of our bodies. It would make life much simpler and predictable.

(Apologies to hairdressers and ‘product’ manufacturers – you’ll just have to retrain)

.

Thu
28
Jan
2016

THERE WILL BE FIREWORK!

I have invented the ever-lasting and interactive firework!

Firework

Imagine the excitement of the family gathered round as this magnificent  invention is hurled into the air and everyone has a wondeful time going “Whooooosh, ahhhhhhhhh, BANG!!!!!”

It can then be picked up, so long as it’s been thrown thoughtfully and carefully of course, and then used again and again!

(Can be used indoors as well as outdoors.)

The money saved plus the lack of danger makes this a ‘must have’ for young and old alike!

(Disclaimer – sticks can be dangerous – splinters, pokes in the eye, flammable etc. This toy should not be taken orally)

.

Mon
18
Jan
2016

A DISSERTATION – THE LAVA LAMP

Over the billions of years that the universe has been floating around there have been a smidge under an infinite number of coincidences that have made this and that. This is all very jolly and extremely groovy.

telstar_lavalamp_VO

That is until  these were created in 1963.

Now… if there is a deity or deities in charge then surely this would have been the time when the ‘delete’ button would have been pressed. Well, perhaps not when they were first conceived and manufactured, they could have just been seen as a ‘blip’, but certainly action would have been necessary on the resurgence of their popularity that I’ve noticed over the last few years. Honestly, what is the point?

I present this as proof that we’re are on our own. We really must start taking our responsibilities more seriously.

This is the way my world wags, yours might be different.

Sat
9
Jan
2016

THE SUN IN ALL IT’S GLORY

Even at this time of year the solar panels chuck out quite a lot of electrickery … for about 1/2 an hour a day … when it isn’t cloudy or raining … or snowing.

IMG_0807

When these specific conditions happen to collide in celestial harmony we charge round the house turning on the washing machine, the dishwasher, the vacuum cleaner, the radio, the television, the fridge, the freezer, all computers and the electric fire in the shed.

For most of the winter, obviously, our clothes smell, the milk is off, there’s dust everywhere, the dishes are filthy and everything in the freezer stinks.

My advice is, if you want to visit, come over during the wonderful summers we enjoy year on year.

#iliveinafantasyworld

(I won a prize this week but I’m not telling you what it was)

Sat
2
Jan
2016

2015 + 1

The New Year has got off to a cracking start.

1*P7Gbsv04OIl3z2uYA2nFaA

So far, I’ve mused on whether windows in trousers would be a commercial proposition, do Inuits have reinforced vests around the nipple areas to allow for ‘perky’ wear and tear and will the bank accept 2015 + 1 as a valid amendment on incorrectly dated cheques.

I hope that your brain is working as well as mine.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Mon
28
Dec
2015

RE-WRITING CHRISTMAS

1503502_orig

My story concerns seven brothers from the town of Muzak who get fed up with waiting for seven brides and decide to join a monastery.

After a couple of weeks they all get rather bored, and not wishing to break their vows, form a mime group. They call themselves the Von Trappists.

Their act proves very popular and so they put on a show in a farmer’s barn in order to save an orphanage.

However their mime of ‘Carry on up the Goatherd’ upsets a closet Nazi who chases them wielding his powerful weapon.

They escape through some nuns and just as they are about to be shot, a woman floats down on an umbrella and, as if by magic, she produces loads of Lego  from her handbag and quickly builds a full size, working aeroplane whilst singing some really annoying songs.

They all escape to Oz where they have a wizard of a time chasing ticking crocodiles and climbing beanstalks.

And then the Queen has her Christmas massage.

THE END

.

Wed
23
Dec
2015

CHRISTMAS 2015

It’s that time again.

Baa humbug

As usual we’ll be celebrating with a refreshing glass of warm water for breakfast, followed by gruel for the main festive meal. The added holly leaves really get us into the holiday mood!

The afternoon is the time for playing games, my favourite being charades where I always carry a sign depicting π and walk across the sitting room as though on a fashion show runway. At this stage of the proceedings Lo, she is a terrible Goddess  has her afternoon nap. I take this opportunity to count our Christmas card.

By teatime, feeling rather full and over-excited, we usually collapse in front of the television and wish the electricity hadn’t been cut-off while we share a gingernut and a double-dunked cup of tea.

Off to bed at 8:30.

Wonderful.

I hope you all have a superb time over the festive season although I very much doubt it’ll be as good as ours.

Fri
11
Dec
2015

HOW THE DODO WAS NAMED.

The dodo wasn’t actually named until the breed was extinguished from the face of the earth.

The last dodo that existed was kept as a pet and had been taught to talk by it’s owners. At Christmas time they used to dress it up to add to the fun when it recited ‘The Owl and the Pussycat’.

DODO

One Christmas, however, the bird had one too many sherries and was sick all over the carpet.

“That bird will have to go!” said Mildred, the lady of the house.

The following day the butcher arrived to kill the animal. As he approached the bird, who wasn’t stupid and knew exactly what was about to happen, keep saying “Do … do … do …. do …” but before he could finish saying “Don’t” the chopper fell and extinctified the species.

The butcher shoved it in a bag and with a cheery, “I’ve killed it. Funny little fella wasn’t he … he kept saying ‘do…do’ as though he’d had enough ”, went to the pub and related the yarn to all his mates. As the story spread it soon became the tale of the Dodo.

Tue
24
Nov
2015

TALKING TO SIRI

A recent conversation with Siri when I was trying to find out where the phrase ‘nooks and crannies’* came from.

“Do you mean rooks and grannies?”

“No – try again”

“Do you mean books and nanny?”

“No – try again”

“Do you mean norks and fannies?”

“No!!! – well – erm – no, better not. Thank you anyway. I’ll try Google.”

“Oh”

*small voice* “Cooks and trannies?”

img_5118

*Scottish BTW and been around for ages. I also found a hearty muffin. Perhaps Siri wasn’t that far off after all.

.