Thu
2
Apr
2020

Social Distancing

 

 

 

 

I’ve found a way to keep people at bay

When having a walk, my one-a-day,

I will just add that when I gad

Cold weather tends to ‘shrink’ a tad.

Wed
1
Apr
2020

Self Isolation

I haven’t visited here for ages and a lot has changed. Still, let’s carry on regardless – in self isolation.

 

 

Reflections on self isolation

I’ve looked at the books
I’ve dusted the books
I’ve looked at the books in a mirror

I’ve looked at the grass
I’ve counted the grass
I’ve looked at my arse in a mirror

I’ve looked at my pants
I’ve put ants down my pants
I’ve looked at my pants in a mirror

I’ve looked at my teeth
I’ve juggled my teeth
I’ve looked at my teeth in a mirror

I’ve counted my toes
Played hide-n-seek with my toes
I’ve looked at my toes in a mirror

I’ve looked at my wife
I’ve hoovered my wife
I’ve looked at my wife in a mirror

I’ve walked on the ceiling
Drank cocoa with feeling
I’ve danced in front of a mirror

I’ve looked in the mirror
I’ve asked it’s advice
“You’re getting queerer and queerer and queerer”

Fri
25
Oct
2019

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

 

 

 

 

 

Took the terrible Goddess to the  hospital for an appointment. Dropped her at the main entrance and then went to the main carpark … to park. Long queues but eventually was allowed in and spotted a spot very near the entrance. Wiggled in and then tried an extra wiggle so that the people returning to the car next to me could actually open their door. During the extra wiggle I mounted a kerb and caught the wheel on an extra row of bricks and ripped the side-wall out of the front tyre. Very noisy. Kindly pointed out to me when I emerged from the car from the bloke sitting in his car having a sneaky smoke. Dashed into the hospital and explained the situation to the TG. Returned to carpark and spoke to the carpark attendants to explain that I had to change the tyre and that I hoped I wouldn’t be in the way. Patrick, one of the attendants and now my new best friend, came and helped. Whilst changing the tyre the occupants of the car next to me arrived, one in wheel chair and her sister (driver and carer). Sister couldn’t get in car because I was in the way. Dropped car from car jack and rolled back so that she could get in her own car. I apologised for the inconvenience “Don’t be silly, you’re having a crap day.” Patrick waved her out. Re-jacked car and continued to change tyre. Kind gentleman, who was passing, offered some of that stuff in a can that can re-inflate tyres so you can get home but I’d totally ripped out side of tyre. Waved him a kiss.
Changed tyre, with a lot of help from Patrick, found the TG and went to pay desk to pay for parking. Bloke said ‘ It’s on me mate.’
It’s going to prove an expensive day but people have been WONDERFUL.

Sat
21
Sep
2019

Official Report from Fairlight Cove – Open Studios 2019

 

 

Tina Morris, director of Coastal Currents Arts Festival, strode into my garden like a super model accompanied by Alexander Brattell, anarchic photographer and all round good egg. I noticed that Tina was wearing high heels. My lawn needed aerating so while Alex dashed around clicking, I cunningly showed Tina points of interest in my sward, a dandelion here, the place where local cats liked to pee, the exact spot I dropped a gingernut. Her heels worked beautifully – holes everywhere.

She then inspected my shed extension and the paintings inside and continued aerating whilst viewing the sculptures in the garden. She even had a look at my back entrance.

“Ok Alex, we must go now” she announced.

They returned to the limo and Tina wound down the window.

“Well done DP. Everything was up to scratch. One point though – there is a health and safety issue with reference to the side gate. My head hit the cross bar. Bye’ and roared off as I mumbled a “Thank you.”

Bloody stupid woman – she shouldn’t wear high heels. Ridiculous.

Tue
3
Sep
2019

OPEN STUDIOS 2019 – REVIEW

 

I made the cover of Vague – the pullout supplement from the Hastings Absurder. Below is the article itself. 

 

 

 

 

‘If you can only find time to visit one open studio during the Coastal Currents hunting season, avoid Daddy Papersurfer’s Shed like the plague.

I made the mistake of visiting last weekend and have never been so shocked and bored to death at the same time. There are various adult themed pieces which coming from a man his age are disgusting and, whilst trying to stop the bile rising in my throat, the artist himself droned on and on and on, pontificating about how the skills of grouting can be transferred to canvas and how gingernut crumbs can be incorporated into, and I quote “Great works of art”. This man is an idiot.

I escaped his ‘gallery’ (shed) and went to the local pub, The Twisted Gusset, had a bite to eat to recover and then visited many of the other splendid Open Studios in and around Hastings.

I repeat do NOT go and see Daddy Papersurfer’s Shed in Fairlight Cove.’  – Rita Skeeter

A little harsh I feel but with the highest journalistic integrity.

See you all next weekend.

Sun
25
Aug
2019

OPEN STUDIO 2019 – HURRAH!

I have never put on a show of paintings in my life … and I’m VERY old now.

The shed extension has been built in time and everything is organised … just about.

The dates are the weekends of August 31st/September 1st and the 7/8th of September – open 11am until 6pm.

Click on the photo to download the whole brochure detailing the full details about Coastal Currents Arts Festival and also how to find me on page 79. I’m not on page 79, obviously, I’m actually on the sofa. Oh for goodness sake work it out for yourselves.

 

 

The weather looks set fair as well.

I hope to see you accompanied by bulging wallets. YAY!!!!

Thu
25
Jul
2019

SOON TO BE ANNOUNCED

I shall be announcing something soon.

Thank you.

(Art Show in Hastings area)

Sun
31
Mar
2019

THE BREXIT IMPASSE …

… excuse my French.

 

 

People on all sides are unhappy.

Something has to be done.

My suggestions are –

1 – Revoke article 50 for 2 years and continue being an EU member and having British MEPs.

2 – After 2 years hold another referendum asking exactly the same question as last time but with the sensible caveat that only a 60% to 40% majority will hold sway. No clear majority, hold another referendum 2 years down the line. Repeat if necessary.

All parties must include this as a promise in their manifestos to account for any change in government.

In the mean time, now that people know a lot more about the EU and the importance of MEPs, our concentration will be more focussed on selecting the best MEPs to achieve what needs to be done to improve the EU.

The present situation of trying to have our cake and eat it is ridiculous.

I’m going to my shed now until you all start behaving sensibly.

 

 

 

Sun
10
Mar
2019

BREXIT NEVER HAPPENED

I have been tasked to go back in time and to make sure that Donald Cameron and Mary Mount never meet with the obvious consequences that David Cameron couldn’t be born thus avoiding the present debacle.

 

Of course one never knows exactly what might happen when having a fiddle with history and if we wake up tomorrow morning to discover that Donald Trump is the Queen of England please don’t blame me.

Thu
17
Jan
2019

NOT EVERYONE LIKES MY WORK

It came as a shock to me that not everyone likes my work.

My oldest companion, Grumpy Ted, viewed my painting, mooned it and then broke wind.

Rude.