Wed
14
Sep
2016

TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGING

An imaginary e-mail from a 12 year old daughter to her Generation X mother.

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Hello Mum,

I would talk to you directly but your head always seems to be buried in your smart phone and you never actually hear what I’m saying.

Firstly, I’m getting a tad concerned about your driving.

Pokemon are NOT real and you don’t have to try and avoid them when dropping me off at school. BTW staring at your phone whilst driving is a really bad idea.

Secondly, butter is safe to eat this week so if you could order some from Ocado I’d be very grateful. I do like a little bit of butter on my bread. (This a is a quote Mum, Google it! it’s from a real book).

OK, I’m off to the park now to kick a ball around with my friends and yes, I’ll avoid all dodgy looking people, be VERY careful when crossing the road and I’ll certainly keep my eyes open for the crocodile that’s been reported on Twitter.

Love you loads

Betsy

BTW – I’ll have my mobile with me in case of a REAL emergency but it’ll be turned off. One of your constant messages buzzing me might be a distraction just as I’m about to score!

Mon
12
Sep
2016

MY VISION FOR THE FUTURE.

Humans have been around for the blink of an eye. It’s highly likely that during the next blink we will become extinct.

Perhaps crocodiles and cockroaches will survive and, in the fullness of time, work out how to breed.

The result might look like the alien from Aliens.

Great-Movie-Easter-Eggs-Alien-Predator

A few, by which I mean loads, years later creatures from another galaxy might arrive on earth, one looking suspiciously like Sigourney Weaver.

Having seen all the Alien films (and coincidentally re-runs of Fleabag which inspired them all to speak English – result!) from ‘stuff’ floating around in the ether, the creatures will be a tad standoffish at first but will eventually discover that the ‘new’ aliens are quite friendly. Indeed, they might find out that they have an incredible ability for weaving beautiful objects from bull shit.

The future could be bright.

BTW – Mother Earth thinks all this fretting that different dominant species have about this and that is a bit of a hoot and her favourite word is ‘whatever’.

Sun
4
Sep
2016

THE BOTTOM OF MY GARDEN

The bottom of my garden

So today, I was sitting in the garden enjoying a G&T when I heard a voice emanating from the public footpath the other side of the hedge – “Is that art?”

I began to feel a tad depressed.

And then I remembered that yesterday, when I was actually on the public footpath looking for feathers, that I met a young family – Mum, Dad and two sons.

Mum – “We love your sculptures!”

Dad – “Do you specialise in metal work?”

Me – “I learnt welding and casting at college but nearly everything you see is made of wood. I’ve come up with a cunning plan to disguise wood as bronze and the letters on the sign are made from Flashband …”

Dad – “Oh yes … messy stuff.”

Me – “ … cut out with scissors.”

Dad … “Surely you have to …?”

Me – “Exactly! After every cut I have to clean the scissors with turps.”

Dad – “Blimey.”

Kids – “Brilliant.”

It’s very difficult to remember the nice, interesting things that people say. Something about the human condition makes us only remember the negative things that happen to us. I’ve noticed this many times, both with myself and folk that I know.

Humans are ridiculous.

Fri
1
Apr
2016

YER REAL PORTUGAL

There’s yer real peeps, left winged with a touch of right and a dose of liberalism, that can only exist in the ‘real’ of whatever country they’ve invaded temporarily.

Portuguese patio

This is a ‘real’ Portuguese patio.

We’re getting used to it.

.

Sat
26
Mar
2016

IT NEVER RAINS IN PORTUGAL

Flying-pig

Fri
25
Mar
2016

GOOD FRIDAY

view from balcony

The view from the balcony.

Sun
21
Feb
2016

THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION.

I’m fed up with all the nonsense spouted about the origins of the universe so I’ve decided to get it all down here in writing to put an end to the endless waffling.

Ok, it’s all quite simples innit.

MIT-LIGO-2

Nobody seems to know what gravity is exactly (I do though *looks smug*) and yet them scientists nerds have been able to measure them gravitational waves. *Waves back* This discovery has firmed up my own theory (theory? I don’t think so #fact) on the origins of stuff.

So … several infinite years ago in the space wot surrounds us all for several infinite miles, there was quite a soup of stuff and then a black hole had a bit of a thing with another black hole and the result was messy. (On a domestic level imagine the consequences of several pints of beer followed by an extremely hot curry. *pause* Got that?).

Anyhoo dark matter was scattered far and wide, some bits bigger than others. Some larger bits swallowed up soup so that it went into other infinite universes and disappeared from ours. Other bits were so small that the soup clogged up the orifice in the dark matter, a bit like peas and bits of onion plug up your sink. (Got it? You should have – it ain’t rocket science).

More and more stuff gravitated round these blockages and so stars and planets and moons and whatever all got formed over many of our infinite years.

What we perceive as gravity is this tiny bit of dark matter that is right at the core of the world, sucking at our feet and is what keeps us from floating around when we have a nap on the sofa. Basically the world sucks.

This all seems to be bleedin’ obvious to me I don’t really know why I’m bothering to write this.

Anyway, that’s it, so stop your worrying and fretting and get on with something useful like cooking me a meal or sending loads of money to my ‘shed’ fund.

.

Tue
16
Feb
2016

SEXTING

2000px-Parental_Advisory_label.svg

(Warning – the following might offend some people)

I was shocked to discover that Grumpy has fallen off the wagon and started sexting again.

I’ve decided, after much thought and soul searching, to ‘show and tell’ in the hope that this disgusting and depraved behavior will stop.

(Another warning – there’s a picture approaching)

(Ok? Ready?)

(Advisory note – best viewed with your eyes shut)

Sexting

Sorry about that but it had to be done.

.

Mon
15
Feb
2016

A SHORT PLAY ‘Palpitation Fiction’

GAC_PulpFiction

(The curtain opens to reveal Daddy Papersurfer asleep on a sofa)

(Uma Thurman dressed as Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction enters stage right and starts dancing to “You never can tell” by Chuck Berry)

(DP wakes, stands up and collapses)

(Uma takes a bow and the curtain closes)

(The audience hears a siren)

(A paramedic team rush down an aisle and go onto the stage and behind the curtains)

The audience remain sitting in stunned silence.

(Behind the scenes Uma Thurman goes back to her hotel  muttering “What the f**k!!?!” and immediately phones her agent.)

Wed
10
Feb
2016

THE DADDY PAPERSURFER ONE MAN SHOW

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“I say I say I say, my dog has no nose. How does he smell? He can’t.

What’s brown and sticky? A pile of poo.

I think I’m a pair of curtains. Go away, you’re mad.

What’s brown, steams and comes out of Cowes? Poo

Knock knock! Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? Beryl

Two guys walk into a bar. A third guy joins them.

Why can’t a nose be 12” long? Because that’s impossible.

What lives on the bottom of the ocean and shivers? A cold bottom dweller.

A man goes into hospital with six plastic horses jammed up his bum. The doctors described his condition as embarrassing.

Why does Piglet smell? Because he plays with poo.

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? Nothing, it’s a chimney. Chimneys can’t talk.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? An orange parrot.”

(Eye thank youuuuuuuu! If you wish to book me I am available … surprisingly)