The apple of my eye just said to me,
“I keep thinking of apples. Inside the apple the seed starts off pale and immature and slowly develops to maturity – and then time takes hold of the outside. Crinkles and wrinkles and a softness happens on the outside but the pip remains the same …… bit like people really.”
That’ll teach me to put Lou Reed’s Transformer on the iPod ……….
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In the supermarket the other day I was quietly weighing the frozen peas to make sure I got the fullest pack they had when I was suddenly aware that a woman whose bosom looked like the love child of the Atlas mountains and the continental shelf was walking down the aisle towards me seeming determined to take my eye out. Luckily at the last minute, she hung a right, taking out a display of tinned tuna instead, and disappeared down aisle 13.
I returned to the business in hand; there was no way I’d let the supermarket rip me off. I made my selection. I reckoned I had gained at least three peas. Feeling rather pleased with myself I put my handy pocket scales back in my cardigan.
I wandered round to aisle 13 as I was in need of some mascara and hair extensions.
I was greeted by a rather terrifying sight. The lady with the ginormous bazooms had had a garment failure and her embonpoint had poured from her undercarriage, pinning a young chap to the floor. Realising he was having difficulty breathing I ran to his aid and grabbing hold of his hair I managed to pull him free from his soft yet surprisingly heavy captors.
As the woman rearranged herself with the aid of some Duck tape and three carrier bags, the young boy whispered in my ear.
“I had other plans for when I reached puberty, but I think I might have to go down the gay route now.”
I patted him on the shoulder and explained he might not have a choice.
I’m not sure he believed me.
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(You should have gone back for the hair extensions, Peabrain – there’s a definite pale patch. Lo,TG Ed)
……. like a woman sconed.
Part of the adoration rites I had to learn when Lo, she is a terrible Goddess deigned to marry me, was the baking of fresh scones for her delight and delectation.
I prepared some the other day and smothered them in home-made strawberry jam and cream.
As I presented them to the TG I tripped up on one of my sculptures and shot the whole kit and caboodle down her front. Unfortunately she was wearing her light coloured robes. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the nearest cloth ……. forgetting that I’d used it earlier to clean my Wellington boots and very unusually had not got round to rinsing it.
Anyway, to cut a long story sideways, I was sent to sit in the cupboard in the hall.
Luckily I managed to grab a packet of gingernuts on my way as I was in there for quite a long time …………..
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Out of my ears and out from my nose
Where it’ll end only heaven knows
Growing odd hair is really a farce
Fetch me a mirror so I can check on my back.
Perhaps I should shave the bits I can reach
Oh do stop growing I ask and beseech
As I pull and snip and eventually pluck
Oh I give up, I don’t give a damn.
I’ll just watch it grow from my head to the floor
I won’t have the need for a coat any more
I’ll follow the lead of hirsute Cousin Itt
[And now some more growing from there!!!] – OH POO.
(I definitely don’t like the juxtaposition of those two phrases. Lo,TG Ed)
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My life has changed since Lo, she is a terrible Goddess has got new eyes.
1. I have to be very wary about making faces.
2. Apparently dribbling food down one’s front is a ‘no no’.
3. Shoes should be at least clean if not polished.
4. I can actually be seen even if I’m sitting VERY still on the sofa.
5. Furniture should be moved if vacuum cleaning – this came as rather a shock.
6. Dancing naked at the bottom of the garden is not to be encouraged. (I have never ever encouraged that – not in your case. Lo,TG Ed)
7. Wearing one’s false teeth is a good thing.
8. It is no longer possible to hide behind the standard lamp. (You do live in a fantasy world, don’t you? Lo,TG Ed)
9. Shaving every day is a necessity ……. sheeessssh.
10. Presenting bits of broken glass as diamonds is no longer possible even if attached to ring-pulls.
I have a feeling that this list might grow longer ……..
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I’ve long suspected that knitters are an odd breed.
Still, I’m sure it’s well worth while so here is the pattern.
One size fits all I suppose – 12” chest with an ‘A’ cup I suspect.
Hat tip to the Daily Mail – and I thought I’d never ever say that – dreadful paper.
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Just imagine waking up in the morning to be greeted by a reliable source telling you that “You’d better not go to work today as your level of tiredness is likely to increase your chances of having an accident by 54%”, or “Oh dear, hurty knee – definitely take a couple of days off” or even “Your immune system is looking a tad iffy – perhaps you should stay in bed.”
You’d also be informed of conditions in the work place. “Nobody’s had a serious accident on these premises for 438 days. The chances are that something terrible is going to happen soon. If I were you I’d think very carefully about going into work today” or “Kiley in accounts sneezed 3 times yesterday – she could be getting a nasty cold. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!”
Accidents and illness in the workplace cost companies and countries a fortune – prevention is better than cure.
This fantastic bit of kit, the iHorrorscope, utilises the latest Body Sensor technology. The information gathered is combined with data from insurance company data bases and the results and likely prognostications are then distributed by Clockspot.com to you and the company you work for. Their online timesheets at Clockspot.com will automatically show precise details of the problem and the consequent reactions.
Included in the price of the iHorrorscope are the various sensors to be implanted and the cost of all medical procedures – a stay of about a week in hospital [with relatively little pain] usually suffices. The sensors relay continuous information to a central computer about the physical and mental state of the subject and this data combined with probability calculations from the insurance data gives a very accurate prediction of what the immediate future holds.
Of course it isn’t only about you.
My calculations suggest that accidents at work will drop significantly and there will be fewer days lost to illness as cross infection will be almost eradicated by such structured absenteeism.
The iHorrorscope includes an MP3 player and a secret compartment to store an emergency gingernut.
Please contact me to get your individual quote for this innovative machine – people with allergies, asthma, a history of heart trouble, back problems, in-growing toenails or constipation need not apply.
[I know you’ll be surprised and disappointed but this is a work of fiction. It’s an entry for a competition that Fuelmyblog are involved with in conjunction with Clockspot.com for a chance to win one of three iPads]
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There has been a debate of Biblical proportions raging over at Archies Archive about bread.
It’s been over which colour is superior – brown or white.
I fear that the ‘Toaster Wars’ could ensue and the whole world could go up in smoke ……… luckily, I quite like my toast burnt ……
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Hopping Mad by Daddy Papersurfer – the poem, not the lovely sculpture which is by David Kemp.
“The Wellington boot is a wondrous invention!”
I yelled as I hopped down the lane
“But if I had two, the extra protection
Would let me be normal again.”
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I attended a special screening the other day at the Cans Festival.
I saw a wonderful film about interracial relationships starring a can of apricots and a tin of sardines. It was called The Opener.
It followed the usual format of can meets tin, can loses tin and then finally, can gets tin. The canned laughter and canned boos only add to the whole experience.
However there is a rather shocking scene right at the end when their sardicot offspring work out how to open their own cans and run around the screen completely naked. I thought it was rather gratuitous …… and a little messy. Anyway, I can thoroughly recommend it but would suggest you walk out immediately after the marinating scene.
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(Would one have sardicots on toast, or with lamb a la Morrocan tagine? Lo,TG Ed.)
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